WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a new groundbreaking study, researchers at Georgetown University have found that nudity actually has health benefits if you are hot. Scientists are encouraging nudity among the general public–provided they are at least a “seven” or higher–to stimulate personal freedom, rid inhibitions and anxiety, and promote an extremely high beauty standard of perfectly chiseled men and women for others to aspire to.
“We weren’t sure of the results when we began the study,” Dr. Richard J. Kremhart told the press. “Nudity? Health? Hot people?! It sounded absurd, but after we closely studied a group of real lookers–and I’m talkin’ real tight bodies, guys and broads both–we found that hot people not only are enjoyable to look at, but they also enjoy, and even prefer, looking at one another. It clearly spiked their happiness!” Dr. Kremhart then laughed to himself and caught a glimpse of his withering face in a nearby mirror as he added, “If only I could be so hot and happy.”
The scientists found that hot people are proud of their own bodies in a way that “uggos” fundamentally cannot understand and that this pride apparently seems to cure a variety of mental health issues that plague the less attractive. Thus hot people are being urged to continue to shed layers of clothing and perhaps move to warmer climates such as Miami or Los Angeles where their kind are welcome to roam free of cloth.
Secretary of Health and Human Services Tom Price released an official statement on the study this week in which he deemed it “100% scientifically accurate and good.” He confirmed that hot people can enjoy many benefits from being naked with each other and even went on to make recommendations to sixes-and-under: “Normals should in no way follow suit. No one wants to see your flabby ass out in public. You stay home and think about how ugly you are. Let the hotties have this one to themselves, you homely piece of shit.”
The government anticipates seeing a lot more naked hot people in the coming months.
Stephanie Weber was a test subject for this study.
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