Study: Sleeping Better Than Being Awake

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CHICAGO — Today the American Medical Association released new research which suggests Americans prefer sleep to the constant ache of wakefulness. Of the 2,645 surveyed, 2,640 reported that sleeping carried with it none of the uncomfortable side effects of living through an entire day, in a conscious state, uninterrupted.

“Hunger, heartbreak, true fear, justifiable anxiety, early childhood memories,” listed AMA President Dardis Dee Hoven, M.D. “A variation of these might crop up in our sleep, but those are mere shadows, my child. No dream can truly compare to the terrors of reality.”

Dee Hoven, while not an active participant in study, did note that he personally never expected the medical profession to be so profoundly childless or mudslides to be so dangerous or humanity to be so routinely frail and disappointing.

“We’ve found that our unconscious fears, quite frankly, lack imagination,” he sighed, shifting uncomfortably.

Other important findings of the study include:

– 78% of those surveyed go to sleep belligerently because they feel “full, sad, or bored.”

– 81% of respondents prefer to sleep during regular works hours, 12% after they eat, and 7% while reading The Daily Currant.

– The 5 respondents who preferred wakefulness: “We guessed for them. They’re in a coma,” confirmed Dee Hoven, M.D.

This study is a fraction of the AMA’s ongoing American Health Perspective series paid in part and sponsored by Ambien.

Colleen Patterson has never had to take an Ambien, but that has never stopped her.

Image by mrehan.