Study: Four Walks Of Shame A Week Can Help Prevent Diabetes

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NEW YORK — According to researchers at Columbia University, the more you wake up at the home of a random sex partner—and then power walk straight back to your place in the same clothes you wore the night before, making minimal eye contact with others—the less likely you are to develop chronic high blood sugar.

The recent study by medical researchers at Columbia, suggests there is a definite correlation between so-called “walks of shame” and the reduction of diabetes in individuals, prompting advocates to encourage seniors with the disease to hook up with partners who live a neighborhood or two away.

Researchers said even though there still isn’t a full understanding of why the walk of shame has this affect, they believe it’s actually the combination of three things: 1) Consumption of at least some amount of alcohol the night before; 2) Sex, basic or otherwise; and 3) A brisk morning stroll. And they say individuals should be doing this at least four times a week.

“We realize a lot of people will probably get herpes trying to prevent diabetes this way,” said Dr. Pamela Stevens, lead researcher in the study. “But at our lab we joke that getting herpes is usually more fun than getting diabetes. Get it? It’s a joke. We have a fun lab.”

Wendell White, communications director at the American Diabetes Association, praised the study and said the sooner Americans get this information and put it into practice the better.

“Nearly one in four seniors in America have diabetes,” said White. “This is a pandemic. We need a culture that nurtures our seniors and encourages them to have a much sex as they can that’s a safe walking distance from their houses or assisted living units.”

White had no comment on how the latest news pertains to the rise of diabetes in American children.

Claire Oakenfold, spokesperson for Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” program to fight childhood obesity, praised the overall work of Columbia’s research department, but expressed skepticism of the latest study.

“I don’t think this is a good message for kids,” said Oakenfold. “Can’t we just encourage children to have responsible sexual intercourse with the same partner, morning exercise, and the legal consumption of alcohol in moderation?”

Andrew Voris does an hour of yoga immediately when he wakes up in someone else’s home.

Image by timothykrause.

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Andrew Voris is a writer and stand-up comic who cries at Loretta Lynn songs. His background includes interning for the Illuminati, fish hunting, and painting paintings of George Bush painting. He’s also an ordained minister, and will perform wedding ceremonies for a small donation of $13,000.