Straight Up I Wanna Bang Santa


It’s Christmas time and you know what that means? Santa is coming. Oh, yes he is and I want to be there for it because it’s a double entendre to me. I want to receive an orgasm from Santa Claus himself when he shimmies down my chimney and that’s literally all I want for Christmas.

When St. Nicholas was a younger, human man – not the immortal polar bear he is today (grrrrr) – he was a rough-and-tumble kind of guy. Like he was literally a bishop. Who doesn’t love a man of power??? Now he runs his own extremely successful business and oversees a bunch of employed elves. This is a real man. Fuck Adonis or Brad Pitt, give me that bearded motherfucker named Old St. Nick.

Yes, I will seduce Santa. I’ll greet him by my aluminum Christmas tree decorated solely in my discarded bras by wearing a slinky little stocking of my own. Like, literally I cut holes in a giant velvet stocking to make into a sex dress. I’ll come onto the jolly guy by playing the Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack and give him some milk and cookies he’ll never forget. He’ll be tired from all that traveling around the world and making toys that he has been doing. I’ll rub his back, play with his balls, and give him a good ol’ fashioned Merry Christmas Fucking.

Look, I won’t beat around the bush, but I wouldn’t mind if Santa would beat around mine. I have a thing for bigger guys and my love language is gift giving. Not only do I think Santa would be an excellent lay because of how giving he is as a person, but he would also be a potentially amazing partner and father figure. Can you imagine? Santa as a father? My loins sure can. Maybe we’ll settle down and buy property by my parents’ house in Minneapolis. I’ll bake cookies as we get our hands dirty with several home improvement projects on our new kitchen like tile the floor or get granite countertops. Okay, yes, I also want to marry Santa, but who doesn’t want to marry Santa? It’s every little kid’s dream to grow up and marry Santa Claus and wake up each day with morning sex in the North Pole. Oooooo yeah, Santa, I’ve been a naughty adult woman who would like a financially responsible and caring older man to commit to me. Or at least to drive his sleigh straight into the bone zone with me. It’s been my lifelong fantasy to fuck Santa Claus and I’m a grown ass woman with a body to prove it. Santa, leave Rudolph at home, because this is going to take at least forty-five minutes. Buckle up, big boy, because I’m wet for Christmas.

image by martinak15