WASHINGTON, D.C. — Saying that he was deeply and personally offended by the transgression, White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon condemned the vandals who destroyed a Jewish cemetery on Monday without inviting him.
“I would have thought that my tireless efforts with Breitbart News and the Trump Campaign would warrant at least a half-hearted invite, but obviously I was wrong,” a visibly upset Bannon told reporters. “It’s sad that in this day and age people are still capable of doing something so spiteful and rude.”
Monday’s desecration isn’t the first hate crime to occur in Bannon’s absence. According to reports, more than 90 incidents have taken place at 73 locations this year, none of which requested Bannon’s company. However, the chief strategist asserts that he provides unprecedented experience when it comes to the destruction of Jewish cemeteries.
“I’ve knocked over hundreds of Jewish graves in my day. I bet I can still roundhouse kick a tombstone in two if I wanted,” Bannon continued, noting that the vandals who demolished the graveyard were “amateurs” who did a “sloppy job.”
“Just give me a crowbar and four minutes of fog, and I’ll show them how it’s done,” Bannon added.
According to White House sources, President Trump has already launched a full FBI investigation to determine the identities of the perpetrators and bring them to justice.
“Whoever is responsible for this disgraceful deed will be caught and forced to publicly apologize to Mr. Bannon,” Trump said in a public statement. “Steve is a very good man who was treated very unfairly by his own people. Believe me, the only hate crime here is him not being invited.”
At press time, Bannon hastily left the Rose Garden as reports surfaced of a shooting taking place at a nearby JCC.
Chad Thurman couldn’t even cut a Tombstone pizza in two if he wanted.