CHICAGO — A tense and volatile standoff reached its fourth day today as Valerie Lenz, 28, continued to ignore a Facebook friend request from a purported improviser whom she briefly met at a party.
According to witnesses, the situation began three weeks ago. “Our friend Dave invited this guy Peter to a house party we threw. Dave said he had just moved to town, was lonely, wanted to make friends–normal stuff.” It became evident very quickly, however, that Peter would not succeed in making any friends: “The only thing he talked about for the entire party was his improv team. ‘Backline support’ this, ‘Yes and’ that. It was awful. Valerie’s a saint, and she tried to listen to him just to be nice. Like, not to blame the victim, but I can’t believe how naïve she was. She thought it would be harmless, but–and listen, this is really hard to say–he… he told her to friend him on Facebook so he could invite her to his shows. It was awful to watch. For that one moment, it was like the whole world was moving in slow motion.”
According to reports from sources within the apartment, Ms. Lenz went to ground and has been in digital hiding ever since. “Valerie followed best practices for de-escalating crises with social media creeps, including ignoring them, adhering to a decreased posting regimen, and sharing vague platitudes about how great it is to be single” said the source. However, it became apparent that standard de-escalation techniques would not be sufficient to handle the situation when, four days ago, he began re-sending his friend request on a daily basis. The FBI sent in a hostage negotiator to reason with Peter, but speaking under the condition of anonymity, an FBI employee reported that the effort has been thusfar unsuccessful. “It is clear at this point that we’re not dealing with a regular, garden-variety creep. His stamina and blatant inability to get the message places him in the 97th percentile amongst oblivious losers.”
He continued, “We recently sent in a robotic deployment device to diffuse his social media campaign of torment. Though the device contained boxed sets of every season of Parks and Rec, 30 Rock, and Curb Your Enthusiasm, he is undeterred. He seems to be following the improv edict of heightening: he recently commented on a three year-old Instagram picture. Frankly, this department has never seen a friend request standoff reach this extent.”
At press time, the situation had yet to resolve itself. A source inside the apartment revealed that, in a recent and devastating development, he has now sent Ms. Lenz a Twitter direct message asking for a retweet, and an invitation to connect on LinkedIn.
Gwen Lawson has 786 pending friend requests.
Image by Travis Rigel Lukas Hornung