Spring Break is coming up, but you might feel left out because you are a college student with a much older boyfriend. Just because you are a sexy co-ed with a tight body and a youthful spirit doesn’t meant you can’t enjoy Spring Break with your very weathered and cranky significant other. Here are a few destination ideas that won’t make your much older boyfriend feel weird!
• Slovang, Calif.
He won’t be interested in taking you to Napa Valley because that’s where he went with his other youthful lover, so Slovang it is! Slovang is like the Netherlands in California–a thing that you’ve never really cared about because you are in college and love Natty Lite. Your older boyfriend will enjoy the Dutch knick-knacks and luxurious bed and breakfast the two of you can make disgusting love in. He’ll fit right in among the other gray-haired tourists who will no doubt look at the two of you with curiosity and revulsion.
• South Haven, Mich.
Who needs Cozumel when you can hit the handsome beaches of Lake Michigan? Take a getaway to this harbor town that will absolutely reek of fish if it is raining and the two of you get stuck indoors all day together. Your much older boyfriend will get tired around 5 p.m. and settle in for a nap while you sneak out to a local tavern and get drunk with the age-appropriate bartender whom you’ll consider making out with. You’re on Spring Break! Woooo!
• Varadero, Cuba
Cuba is open for certain travel visas, so this is the perfect opportunity for pretending your older boyfriend is your private tutor and going under an education visa. Role play, much? Maybe he actually is your professor, so that takes care of that. Your older boyfriend likely has a lot of money which he’ll need because Cuba is cash-only. Go to the absolute most touristy part of Cuba for a crowded white-sand beach, cheap rum, and getting into a public fight after the dashing Cuban waiter hits on you right in front of your older boyfriend and it reminds him that you are young and hot and his body is rotting.
• Galena, Ill.
Few things are sexier than the historical sites and antique shops in hilly Galena. This tiny town is filled to the brim with antique shops that your crusty older boyfriend will love and you’ll get quickly bored by. He might start to resent you as he remembers that his age-appropriate-ex-spouse used to love antiquing. That’ll make for an interesting fight after you insult him by asking what a VCR is.
• The Catskills
Who would go to the Catskills in the modern era? Your much older boyfriend, of course! He would truly love it. The beautiful natural landscapes will inspire the two of you to take a hike, but his bad knees might act up after 20 minutes which will force the two of you to retreat back to your cabin resort for an evening of playing Scrabble in the jacuzzi. He will surely get mad at you for using the word triggering and explain to you that white privilege doesn’t exist. Your friends might text you a pic from their much more fun trip in Miami!
• Sedona, Ariz.
For the older boyfriend who has an artistic side, take in the red rocks and turquoise art of Sedona. The dry air will be great for his aching joints while it will make you sweat a lot and yearn to relax at the resort pool. The two of you can have a wonderfully public fight when his daughter finds out about you and gets extremely upset that he’s dating someone only six years her elder. How uncomfortable! You can enjoy thinking about this while the two of you attempt to rekindle your taboo spark later that evening with short and sweaty sex.
• His mother’s house in Racine, Wis.
Take a giant step in your relationship during your week off from school by visiting his mother in Racine. She is downright elderly and likely very upset by her son’s decision to disrupt his family during his mid-life crisis and divorce his wife of 17 years to date someone almost half his age. That will be really tense to deal with! Talk about a party. Don’t forget to bring your bikini just in case it’s warm enough to use the pool. It won’t be, but you can have fun imagining putting on your bikini with your other wrinkle-free friends instead of staring at his freckled ass in a cold bedroom in the Midwest.
Stephanie Weber once spent an entire Spring Break with her much older boyfriend in his tropical-themed hospice room.
Image by kudumono.