GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Calling it a painful breakthrough in the field of behavioral sciences, a report published Tuesday by a team of sobbing, red-assed researchers from the American College of Pediatricians has confirmed that spanking is by far the most effective form of discipline.
“Our 90-second clinical trial found that when appropriately administered, disciplinary spanking was 20 times more effective in correcting defiant behavior than non-physical methods,” said lead researcher Dr. Heinrich Muller, snot dripping from his nose as he gingerly applied an ice pack to his rear end. “Furthermore—ow—while positive reinforcement and other non-violent alternatives influenced behavior, we determined that spanking—be it with a belt, paddle or an elder’s cold, callused hand—triggered immediate obedience in 100% of our subjects, regardless of age, gender and degree of naughtiness.”
According to Muller, the study, which was conducted in a carefully manufactured test bedroom, experimented with various scenarios in which disciplinary practices are used.
“Whether you want to convince someone to take a bath, apply sunscreen or retire from their profession, spanking not only increased the likelihood of a desired outcome, it guaranteed it,” Dr. Muller continued. “In fact, the results were so conclusive that our team has unanimously decided to cease all studies on this subject moving forward.”
Before hobbling away in agony, Dr. Muller dried his eyes with his sleeves and announced that the team will be taking an indefinite sabbatical to think about what they’ve done.
Chad Thurman gets his hide tanned twice a week.
Image by LEDOMSTOCK.