JERSEY CITY, N.J. — Oozing onto the bedroom floor from a fleshlight wall mount, a sleazy genie reportedly appeared Tuesday before local man Daniel Casilimas, 24, to grant him three magical wishes, no questions asked.
Sources confirmed the genie, who said his friends call him “Tank,” claimed he was sealed away for “a long ass time” in the Cave of Shame, and that he was bound by the enchanted fleshlight to follow orders from the master who “rubbed [him] free.”
“He told me there were only three limits to each wish, and when I asked him what they were, he said he couldn’t remember unless I had something to jog his memory,” said Casilimas, who reportedly only had a dollar on hand, which the genie held up to a lamp light for several seconds before pocketing it in his slimy, sludge-like body.
Added Casilimas: “He never told me, he just pretended to take a business call on his flip phone.”
Casilimas went on to say that at one point the genie began to recite a song explaining his mystical Eastern European origins, but then changed the subject at the sight of a Christmas photo of his younger sister.
“For my first wish, I asked for a million dollars, and with the snap of his fingers, he conjured a fake Rolex he tried to pass off as solid gold,” said Casilimas. “When I insisted on the cash, he claimed I already used my last wish then offered me a magic carpet, which turned out to be a regular carpet with a stain on it.”
At press time, Casilimas realized his sister’s picture was missing after showing the genie the bathroom.
Ricardo Angulo can sell you a fleshlight that fell off a truck, real cheap.