Single Man Just Looking For A Girl He Can Explain ‘Blade Runner’ To


PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local single man Craig Portnoy has announced his discovery that, after years of fruitless dating, all he wants out of a romantic relationship is the chance to explain Blade Runner.  

“Dating these days is a mess,” Portnoy said. “It’s all hookups, texting. No one’s being sincere about what they want. Is it so hard to find a woman who’s never seen Blade Runner and who will listen to all the trivia I know about it?”

Portnoy, 29, reportedly claimed to be a classic gentleman who would be a catch for any woman who wants to repeatedly hear 45-minute bursts of extemporaneous summary and analysis of Ridley Scott’s 1982 science fiction film on a near-daily basis.

“I’m a simple man with simple needs,” said Portnoy, “like making sure that my lady knows that the theatrical cut of Blade Runner isn’t worth watching, with its terrible voiceover track that the studio made them put in at the last minute because they thought people were too stupid to follow the movie and it totally ruins the stark atmosphere that the production design and Vangelis’ score work so hard to create. And they tack on a shitty happy ending with footage they stole from The Shining. The director’s cut is so much better, but not the ‘final cut,’ because they make Batty call Tyrell ‘father’ instead of ‘fucker’ which downplays his existential rage at arbitrarily being less than human despite his deeply human passions.”

“Obviously I would be a great boyfriend,” Portnoy added.

Despite Portnoy’s intentions, he has yet to find a woman to whom he can explain Blade Runner to his satisfaction.

“There’s a lot of fish in the sea, I know, but it’s getting frustrating,” Portnoy said. “Like my last date, when I brought up Blade Runner, this girl had already seen it! She started going on about how much she appreciated the color palette and wanted to discuss the haunting beauty of the Bradbury Building and I was just like ‘this isn’t going to work.’ God, what a bitch.”

Portnoy’s friends were sympathetic to his chronic inability to find love as well.

“Craig has a lot to offer a woman,” said Patrick Choi, Portnoy’s coworker and friend, “like explaining why the scene where Rick Deckard pins Rachel against the wall and forces her to kiss him against her will totally isn’t that big a deal. It’s a shame he has no one to share that with.”

As of press time, Portnoy has not given up on finding a fulfilling relationship.

“I just have to keep looking for the One, to put the work in,” Portnoy said, “like Edward James Olmos did in his performance as Gaff. Did you know he invented an entire language based on Spanish, French, German, Hungarian, Chinese and Japanese that he thought would reflect the demographics of a cyberpunk metropolis? It’s true. He also did those origami himself. The unicorn is really significant, but it’s okay if you didn’t catch that.”

Tom Harrison watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.

Image by orijinal.