MOSCOW – Russian President Vladimir Putin, clad only in bearskin shoes and a pair of Umbro running shorts, began a solo Olympic torch race across Siberia this morning, according to reports.
“Wary of influence from homosexuals, sissy boys, and closeted Chechens, President Putin insists on carrying the torch himself,” said Red Fox News, the region’s largest news outlet.
“I hope to bring honor to Mother Russia, to our people, and most importantly, to myself,” said Putin, toweling off his chiseled chest. “I also plan to bed a robust but feminine woman each night of my trek.”
Sources say Putin also plans to enter himself into several Olympic events, though he pledged to avoid the “gay ones.”
Traditionally, the Olympic torch relay involves a wide range of athletes, citizens, and political donors, but Putin has opted for a more modern approach.
The move, however, is not unprecedented. Before the 1996 Atlanta Games, Bill Clinton carried the Olympic torch in Washington, D.C. from Fifth and Pennsylvania to Sixth and Pennsylvania without any outside aid.
From John Clark, with Love.
Image by James Webb.