Serena Williams Serves Baby From Birth Canal At 119 MPH


WEST PALM BEACH, Fla.—Tennis superstar Serena Williams gave birth to a baby girl today at St. Mary’s Medical Center, serving the infant from her birth canal at 119 MPH around 2:30 p.m. local time. The child is Williams’s first, and, according to Women’s Tennis Association sources, the birth broke records for fastest delivery speed ever recorded.

The seven-time Wimbledon champion completed the delivery in straight pushes, sending the newborn rocketing from its womb and directly into an awaiting hospital bassinet.

“I’ve never seen such a dominant birth,” attending delivery physician Dennis Holman said. “Having a front-row seat to that kind of velocity and accuracy was amazing; it’s why she’s the greatest.”

According to Holman, Williams strode into the delivery room, told awaiting staff she was going to give birth, and immediately served her child at a speed that made the baby nearly imperceptible to those in the room.

“She just walks in, steps up, and bam—the kid was a blur,” Holman said. “People were ‘ooh’ing, ‘ah’ing, clapping; they were going nuts,” he added.

According to hospital and tennis sources, Williams and the child are happy, healthy, and officially registered as a WTA doubles pairing.

Dan Delagrange was birthed at the measly speed of 0.001 MPH.

image by James Boyes