WASHINGTON, D.C. — Breaking the long silence on the specifics of what the GOP healthcare bill will cover and what it will not, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) assured the American public today that the Senate Republicans’ plan will cover all injuries sustained by yacht owners.
“There are a lot of falsehoods out there about what the American Health Care Act covers and what doesn’t,” said McConnell. “I wanted to take this opportunity to let everyone know that American yacht owners are very important to the Republican Party. I can’t get into a ton of details, but I can say that anyone who owns an insanely expensive boat and gets injured on it will definitely be covered under our plan.”
The GOP plan would cover injuries sustained on pre-existing yachts, as well as any additional yachts purchased during the coverage period. The types of injuries covered would include but not be limited to tendinitis from opening champagne bottles, fractures sustained from falling out of your private helicopter onto the yacht’s helipad and skin cancer from spending long hours in the blazing tropical sun of St. Barts.
McConnell also revealed that the plan is not without its controversy, even within the GOP party. One hotly contested clause would allow health insurance companies to determine whether they want to cover injuries incurred by mistresses of yacht owners. McConnell stated that while most insurance companies will cover injuries to wives of yacht owners, some refuse to cover injuries sustained by mistresses. “You’ll definitely want to check with your individual policy to see if your mistress is covered or not,” said McConnell.
President Trump himself recently weighed in on the mistress issue during a lunch at his exclusive Mar-a-Lago resort with McConnell and other prominent members of the Republican party. “Mistresses are a very special group of people to the President,” noted McConnell, “and he hopes the Senate will take them into full consideration as they vote on the bill.”
Additionally, while the GOP plan would provide legal counsel for any yacht owners charged with Boating While Intoxicated (BWI) charges, it would not cover injuries sustained by crew members, or any non-legitimate children of yacht owners.
Erika Magnus is banned from all yachts.