Science Talkin’: The Earth Will Be The Oldest It Has Ever Been Next Thursday

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PASADENA, Calif. — A new technology, unveiled by the California Institute of Technology, has proven beyond doubt that planet Earth will be the oldest it has ever been next Thursday, the 20th.

This unprecedented discovery has been the talk of the scientific community since February when Caltech announced it was close to breaking this new ground.

“Using a series of chemical reactions, we have been able to isolate a molecule that was speculated to exist by many of our colleagues, but never actually seen before,” said Dr. Horner Halton, who is the chief researcher on the project.

The molecule, nicknamed “Old Balls,” carries a very unique order of atoms which, when analyzed alongside other molecules found in various layers of the Earth’s crust, act as a sort of road map for Earth aging. “We were actually a little disappointed the date was so soon, as it leaves little time to plan parties for the event,” added Halton.

The breakthrough does not come without controversy, however. One astrophysicist, Dr. Mary Stanso, claims that the team at Caltech has cut far too many corners in their process for their findings to be credible and withstand criticism. “They have only considered the two most recent of Earth’s epochs, or the Quaternary Period,” warned Stanso. “They are completely ignoring literally dozens of years between the Jurassic and Neogene Periods. That is not science. It is sensationalist pandering at best.”

Dr. Stanso seems to be in the minority, however, as the vast majority of researchers in the field have accepted the finding upon reviewing the nearly 1,500 page report issued by the Caltech team.

Carson Daly will host an impromptu special on Seeso not this coming Thursday but next Thursday to commemorate the landmark event, with appearances by Foo-Fighters, Pink, Bill Nye, Carson Palmer, The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Tom Cruise’s ex-wives and The Little River Band.

Ross Kelly reached his oldest age at age 13.

Image by Kevin M. Gill.