Sarah Koenig: ‘I’m Trying My Best, You Little Shits’

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Guest blog by Sarah Koenig, executive producer and host of the Serial podcast and producer of NPR’s This American Life.

A lot of listeners have been complaining on social media that this season of my investigative podcast Serial is dull. That the story isn’t interesting enough to captivate the nation’s attention like the inaugural season was. That I sound like I’m reading a Wikipedia article into a microphone. Listen, you little shits: I’m trying my best. Get that through your caveman skulls. I am a woman doing her job, okay? This is the story I’m covering for season two and it is an interesting story. You got that? No more complaining about what I’m talking about. You all just have to keep downloading and listening. I know a good story when I investigate one and this is a good story. Trust me, okay? You had never heard of Adnan Sayed before I introduced him to the world. If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t know anything about Hae or Jay or the Nisha call. I brought those to you, but not all right away. It took time. You had to stick with me. And goddammit, you have to stick with me again.

Do you have any idea what it is like to be me in a post-Serial-debut world? I had no clue that Serial season 1 would explode like that. Who could have guessed? It’s like I invented true crime investigation. DID I? If I did, then you had better be kissing the ground I walk on for The Jinx and that fucking Wisconsin murderer show on Netflix. I inspired a renewed interest in true crime investigation and pointing a spotlight at our flawed judicial system. YOU SHOULD ALL BE SINGING MY PRAISES. You’re welcome for all of your entertainment for the past year, shitheads.

After the first season of my groundbreaking podcast, you all wanted more. You begged for another season with a riveting story. You asked and I delivered. Did I not give all you petulant scum exactly what you asked for? Did I not throw you hungry jackals a godforsaken bone? Gnaw on season two, you desperate animals. If you continue complaining about my “boring” podcast I will absolutely end this and there will be no more Serial ever again. Think about a world without my sweet voice in your ears every Thursday. Think on it and quiver with remorse.

And one more thing, this season is NOT boring. This is a cool, relevant story about a guy held in captivity with the Taliban for five years. FIVE YEARS. Can you even imagine that? What happened in all that time? Don’t you want to know??? Or do you only want to pretend to play lil’ detective for accused murderers. I’m the detective here and I call the case. You all answer to ME. I’m keeping it entertaining. I’m making jokes with the Taliban just like we made jokes about the shrimp sale at the Crab Crib. I straight up called the Taliban in episode one. How is that not the ultimate cliffhanger?

You are all such ungrateful, whiny consumers. What have you produced, hmm? What content do you offer up to the needy universe? What questions regarding social justice and truth have you raised? That’s what I thought. Shut the fuck up and listen to my podcast.

Sarah Koenig is about to throw all of you fuckers in a Maryland jail.

Image by mirror.co.uk/Jessica Rinaldi.