Ryan Seacrest Starts Counting Down From 316,000


LOS ANGELES — Hairspray enthusiast and Clay Aiken lookalike Ryan Seacrest has started counting down from 316,000 in anticipation of his New Year’s broadcast, according to an E! report.

“Ryan’s huddled in his dressing room with a nuclear clock to ensure the countdown is precise,” said Seacrest’s personal assistant, Brian Dunkleman. “The guy’s a true pro.”

Widely regarded as the most professional broadcaster in fake broadcasting, Seacrest believes “he alone holds the key to the calendar transition,” according to an anonymous source.

“Ryan takes this stuff very seriously. He’s got a list of all the relevant pagan gods, and has been making the requisite sacrifices for the last two weeks,” said the source.

Of course, Seacrest isn’t the only New Year’s broadcaster in preparation mode. Sources say Kathy Griffin has begun her annual ritual of clawing at the inside of her coffin.

John Clark has never been kissed by Ryan Seacrest on New Year’s.

Photo courtesy ryanseacrest.com (seriously).