The Whiskey Journal

New Study Finds Smoking Still Pretty Fucking Cool

Thu, 16 May 2013 13:46:00 -0500

CHICAGO — Despite countless studies showing smoking tobacco cigarettes to be disastrous for your health, smoking is still pretty fucking cool, according to a new study.

“We can hardly believe this shit,” said Dr. Meg Stinson, the head of the National Cancer Institute, who lead the study. “Smoking can cause cancer, will probably shave off decades from your life and is a large reason for why healthcare is so expensive in America, but I’ll be goddamned if you don’t look cooler than Miles Davis when you got one of them cancer sticks in your mouth.”

She continued: “Fuck, I could go for a ciggie right now.”

The study followed more than 4,300 people during a 15-year period, determining that while still one of the worst things you can do to yourself, people who stopped or reduced the amount they smoked saw a rapid decrease in how cool they were.

“I know each drag introduces toxins into my body that can affect my liver, pancreas and kidneys, not to mention destroy the structure of my lungs,” said 23-year-old bartender Philip Matherson. “Yet each time I breathe in I know everyone around me thinks I’m the goddamn Fonz reborn.”

In related news, a similar study said eating a Whopper still makes you look goddamn disgusting.

Follow @andymboyle on Twitter.

Zero Tolerance Policy Forces Cool Kids to Tolerate Dorks

Wed, 15 May 2013 11:50:12 -0500

By John Clark

TULSA, OK – To combat the rising tide of bullying, one innovative high school has enacted a “zero tolerance” policy to force the cool kids to tolerate the losers.

“Our school is half zeroes, half winners,” said Mike Smith, the principal at Union High School. “So we think this policy is our best shot at social harmony.”

Under the new rules, students with healthy social reputations will have to “acknowledge the existence of” the pimpled, introverted, and gifted students that make up Union’s lower caste.

The rules, however, do not force the cool kids to “engage in outside social activities” with the zeroes. They simply require a “minimal degree of tolerance,” according to Smith.

“Look, we’re not forcing the baseball team to hang with the spazzes from the bad part of town,” said Smith. “We just want the jocks to recognize the freaks’ presence.”

Early reviews have been positive. “Zack Thomas nodded at me this morning,” said Sid Twitch, wiping snot from a very red nose. “It was incredible.”

“Ya, I nodded at the kid,” confirmed Thomas, massaging his bicep. “Rules is rules.” Thomas then slapped his very attractive girlfriend on the rear end and offered this reporter a high five.

The reporter quickly accepted the offer.

John Clark can’t believe how easy kids have it these days.

Buy tickets to our upcoming show, The Whiskey Journal Live!, every Wednesday in May at Fizz Bar.

Under Armour Shirt Makes Man At Gym Look Like Actual Athlete

Tue, 14 May 2013 09:08:39 -0500

By Andy Boyle

BOULDER, COLO. — The tight, moisture-wicking Under Armour shirt Dave Toffler wore to the gym Tuesday made him totally look like an actual athlete, according to reports.

“I first noticed it while I was staring in the mirror while doing some free weight bicep curls,” said Toffler, a 28-year-old stockbroker. “I thought, ‘Wow. I look ripped. Like Tim Tebow, or even an earlier career Brett Favre.’”

Many patrons took double or triple-takes when seeing Toffler, mistaking the Under Armour-wearing man as perhaps a member of the Broncos, or maybe even one of the Rockies. At the very least, he probably played college sports somewhere, which Toffler claims he does not.

“Wow,” said Under Armor Creative Director Terry Friedman when shown photos of Toffler. “We really nailed it.”

He continued: “You really sure he doesn’t play for the Denver Nuggets? Or the Colorado Avalanche?”

Toffler said he’s planning on buying a pair of nice golf clubs, just to see if someone mistakes him for a PGA Tour member.

Andy Boyle hasn’t worked out since 2011. Follow him on Twitter at @andymboyle.

Buy tickets to our upcoming show, The Whiskey Journal Live!, every Wednesday in May at Fizz Bar.

Ten Ways You Shouldn't Die In Your 20s

Mon, 13 May 2013 10:55:40 -0500

By Bronwyn Isaac

The 20s are the most important time of your life if you are in your 20s! Your 20s are when you consume sriracha smothered burgers with less heartburn, you call sexual relations “hooking up” without sounding like an ecstasy toting adulterer, and you won’t deal with personal critique because self-absorption is the best kind of earplug. The 20s are also a key time to sell prescription drugs, have sex with people that don’t read, and post unedited blog entries in hopes of getting book deals.

The struggle is real, the jobs are elusive fantasies and the drama is higher than your friend who tapes Adult Swim. A commonly dark but unspoken truth of your 20s is that you will do many stupid actions that logically should cause death.

Without further adieu, here are ten ways The Whiskey Journal believes you should avoid dying in your 20s!

1. Challenging A Neighborhood Gang Member To A Fight To Impress The Attractive Bartender

Gangs are formed because of complex reasons involving systemic oppression in economic dead-end neighborhoods, the need for a family unit, and rampant cycles of violence. You are just trying to get laid. Street Fighter doesn’t count as sufficient training. If you are in a gang, do you tonight, you need a night off.

2. Parkour At The Mall

Although the mall has various counters, pedestrian rails, tables, small children, and occasional chandeliers, the risks involved in doing parkour in such a crowded area greatly outweigh the advantages. Stick to skate parks where the band-aids are as common as the AC/DC t-shirts.

3. Rebounding With Casey Anthony

As a prominent female criminal she may seem attractive as a progressive, but her carefree spirit will soon descend upon your flesh and the flesh of the unborn (and born) all around you.

4. Playing A Jersey Shore Drinking Game With Four Loko

The Situation reveals his abs, take a chug, Snooki cries, take a chug. All of New Jersey face palms - take a chug. You don’t want to be found this way.

5. Dressing Like Free Willy And Jumping In The Ocean

All of us miss the 1990s. All of us wish we could purify the ocean and speak whale, but there are safer forms of self-expression.

6. Snorting The Remains Of Former Family Homes In Detroit

Just wait fifteen years and those homes will be reconstructed into Mcdonalds franchises, looming over the depressed and already gentrified neighborhoods that slowly built themselves back into economic soundness only to be further oppressed by corporate opportunists. Basically, don’t snort future Mcdonalds, that’s just embarrassing.

7. Juggling Torches In A Play

I mean, why are you juggling torches if you’re not a master?

8. Not Sleeping For A Week Because You Are On Drugs And Think You Are A Genius

Geniuses need to sleep and be alive in order to leave their legacy to the hungry future generations. Your eyes are beginning to resemble shat on windshields. Shut it down.

9. Strategically Placing Dead Rats On Your Neck While You Fall Asleep Next To Your Bitter, Homicidal Pet Snake

Snakes are pretty cool, but sometimes they want to eat you when you are baiting them with rats and haven’t fed them for days. Boundaries must be drawn with pet snakes, just as they are drawn with human people.

10. Refusing To Eat Or Drink Water Until You Find True Love On OkCupid

It’s a battlefield out there, full of questionnaires and curated photos and people who will bore you into questioning your human need for sex. Keep on keepin’ on. Explore Facebook/Tumblr/Jdate/Blackpeoplemeet/ChristianMingle/PlentyofFish before fasting. Sometimes love helps those who help themselves to parmesan smattered spaghetti in patient isolation.

Bronwyn Isaac wishes you longevity so she can invite you to TRL karaoke parties in 40 years

Kelly’s Kulinary Korner, Episode 1 with Judith...

Thu, 09 May 2013 16:09:57 -0500

Kelly’s Kulinary Korner, Episode 1 with Judith Brighton’s “Promise Cookies.”

Here is the first installment of The Whiskey Journal’s effort to make a cooking segment. We are still working out the kinks.

Kelly’s Kulinary Korner, Episode 2 The Whiskey Journal, in...

Thu, 09 May 2013 16:01:00 -0500

Kelly’s Kulinary Korner, Episode 2

The Whiskey Journal, in an attempt to expand into other media, sent Ross Kelly out to do a cooking segment. It is not going well so far. Here is Episode Two of Kelly’s Kulinary Korner.

Steve Jobs Leaves Heaven, Creates More User-Friendly Afterlife

Tue, 07 May 2013 12:15:26 -0500

By John Clark

THE HOLY ETHER – After several unhappy months in Heaven, Steve Jobs is leaving the popular celestial realm to create iNirvana, a “sleeker, bolder afterlife” that allows users to personalize their eternal lifestyles.

Jobs’ abrupt departure confirms rumors of discord between Jobs and God, the creator of Heaven, which has dominated the afterlife market for 2,000 years.

Wearing his trademark turtledove tunic, Jobs used a telepathic slide show to introduce iNirvana to a floating throng of angel reporters.

“Heaven is an industry giant, sure. But its creator grew complacent,” said Jobs, referring to his friend-turned-rival, God. “Consumers deserve more options when choosing an ethereal home.”

Jobs’ departure is the latest public relations disaster for Heaven, which faces an unholy amount of anti-faith lawsuits claiming it has monopolized the afterlife.

But a new commercial featuring God reminds freshly departed souls that Heaven is the chosen afterlife of “Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, and Ghandi, though he’d never admit it.”

In a press release, God wished Jobs “the best of luck in his new venture,” but reminded dead consumers that “Heaven will be waiting for them when iNirvana fails to meet expectations.”

John Clark can’t wait to see his friends in iNirvana.

City Of Chicago Wins Free Big Macs After 100th Murder

Mon, 06 May 2013 09:30:38 -0500

CHICAGO — Following Chicago’s 100th murder of the year, as has been the promotion for years, residents of the city were awarded with a free Big Mac from McDonald’s.

The 100th murder in Chicago happened last Thursday night when a 23-year-old man was shot to death for being outside on a weekday, according to authorities.

“Losing my son has been one of the hardest things in the world,” said the victim’s mother. ”But who doesn’t love free food? Especially it’s a Big Mac! I’m loving it!”

No official word yet on whether or not the victim’s family will be upgraded to a combo meal free of charge.

Written by terrified resident of Chicago, Kyle Scanlan. Follow Kyle on Twitter at @kylescanlan.

Zack Braff to Nation: "I Was Drunk When I Made That Kickstarter, I Have Plenty Of Money"

Sat, 04 May 2013 13:09:00 -0500

LOS ANGELES — After receiving heavy criticism for using Kickstarter to finance his new $2 million film “Wish I Was Here”, actor and director Zach Braff has stepped forward and admitted that he was drunk when he made the Kickstarter and has “plenty of money”, according to sources.

“This is embarrassing for everyone involved,” said the 38 year-old actor. “I’ve wanted to make this film for a long time and I appreciate my fans support, but I’m fucking rich. Have you seen how many times a day Scrubs is on TV?” “Even the janitor has money.”

Braff’s 2 million dollar Kickstarter goal was reached in just three days. The film was financed by more than 33,000 people, with the majority of the money coming from Braff himself.

“Once I realized what I had done, I just got my debit card out and pledged the rest of the money,” said the former Scrubs star. “I’d like to thank the over 30,000 people that pledged money to support my new film, but let’s be honest, I paid for most of it.”

Braff plans on using the extra money from the Kickstarter on appletinis, which will more than likely result in another Kickstarter campaign from Braff.

Written by Kyle Scanlan

Follow Kyle on Twitter: https://twitter.com/kylescanlan

House Approves Bill To Turn Basement Into Rec Room

Fri, 03 May 2013 09:30:00 -0500

By Ross Kelly, @stupidrosskelly on Twitter

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — The Landry family has been pushing for a finished basement for seven years. They say putting drywall and insulation down there would greatly reduce their utility bills. It would also allow them to put a little ambiance around their pool table such as a wet bar and a flat-screen TV with a Nintendo Wii. “This pool table was given to us by my father-in-law three years ago. But it looks terrible sitting in an unfinished basement. I want to be able to relax down there, or have a party, or watch a game,” says Bill Landry, the primary sponsor of the initiative.

The Landry family’s proposal was stalled twice over the last seven years due to the house expressing concern that “these ‘improvements’ will likely involve compromising the structural integrity of an already unstable foundation.”

The house agreed to Bill’s renovations Monday on the condition that the house will have the ultimate say on which contractor is used. “I’ve dealt with Bills like this before,” says the house. “What this Bill wants to do is make life more convenient with no consideration for the future of the house.”

(Above: Bill Landry standing with house to be renovated)

Pending the selection of a reputable contractor, the Landry family hopes to begin renovations by mid-May, and have everything completed by the end of June. “This is going to be better for everyone, especially the house. We already have color schemes picked out and everything,” claims Landry.

Ross Kelly is The Whiskey Journal’s foremost authority on government

Read more articles at thewhiskeyjournal.com

How To Manipulate Your Man Into Loving You (And Lose All The Belly Fat)

Thu, 02 May 2013 14:51:00 -0500

By Bronwyn Isaac

It is spring time, which for ladies means pastel tank tops and romantic dominance! After a long winter of rolling around in bear print panties, it’s likely you’re ready to slice yourself some manpie (or ladypie, but we’ll assume everyone’s straight because effort causes wrinkles).

Do you have your eye on a potential new boyfriend fresh from the mall? Is there a strange man sleeping on your couch you’d enjoy emotionally proselytizing? Do you keep outdated swimsuits from Jr High you hope to fit into? The Shirley Temple has concocted some steps for y’all to Beyonce’ up your ring finger while working that tankini!

1. Put Opium In His Coffee

He will feel euphoric, he will see you, and he will know that you are the one to ignite such raptures.

2. Don’t Tell Him What You Prefer Sexually

Pleasing a woman sexually can be demanding, he will appreciate you more if you shrug constantly and build up silent resentments. Resentments spice up a relationship by creating mysteries (Columbo is hott).

3. Pretend You Like His Band

Tell him that you think he’s super Thom Yorke when he doesn’t practice his instrument and then expects solid gigs. Men love women who refute their artistic sensibilities to avoid earnest discussion.

4. Eat Lots Of Whipped Cream Together

Whipped Cream is the topping of a goddess on a budget. Share a few cans and you’ll both feel as if you’re floating on clouds of Type II Diabetes.

5. Sext Solely With Emoticons

Conventional language could cause you to seem transparent and well-read, which is scary for men, because you may have a closet full of Nicholas Sparks books. Emoticons are flirty and encompass a vast range of meanings, confirming you are a deep well of untranslatable feelings.

6. Tell Him You Are Heartbroken Because Of Your Barren Womb

As a real woman with curves, you don’t need to worry about this being a possibility. It’s primarily an irreplaceable opportunity to fish out some empathetic candor from his heart, only to later reveal you have no idea how fake women deal with broken wombs.

7. Tie Him To Your Bedpost Until He Calls You Hilary Rodham

Men like women who show strength in secret. Be bossy, but only in moments in which it is not crucial or enlightening. Momentary delusions of grandeur convey that you’re a creative type.

8. Buy Matching “4evr Jung” License Plates

Music and psychology references combined with number subbed words are a game changer. Most women would just buy him a personalized toothbrush and call it a day.

9. Talk About His Body In Public

Bring up bedroom talk to groups of friends when you’re out. Mention his body parts you think could use some Fabio-work. This will cause him to doubt his virility, which is the sweet spot of unenthusiastic commitment.

10. “Accidentally” Leave Your Wallet At Home

Everytime. It’s important that he feels fiscally responsible for you, ideally even doubting the validity of your employment situation. This way if he wants to break up he will feel shame for leaving you foodless.

11. Take Some Mom-pills And Lose The Belly-fat

THEY ARE NOT ANFEDAMINES WE SWEAR.

Bronwyn Isaac is a real woman who shamelessly chugs Kim Chee while wandering around her neighborhood.

Racism Awareness Rally Marred By Progressive Protesters

Wed, 01 May 2013 09:30:00 -0500

by David Sharp

HASTINGS, Neb. – The picnic table was stocked with potato salad and Doritos, the cooler filled with a variety of Capri-Sun flavors, and the apple crate was set out in the sun for speechin’ on a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the Spring. This placid scene would not last long, however, as the potato salad ran out before everybody got some. Also there was almost a racist riot.

A peaceful “Take Back the White” racism awareness rally held in Hartwell Park on Sunday turned ugly when a crowd of anti-racism dissidents shouting and waving signs containing racist epithets stole the focus from the well-meaning hate speeches that some area racists were attempting to deliver in the usually bucolic park.

The racist rights rally was attended by approximately eight participants, comprised mostly of the members of the six most prominent pro-racist organizations in the city including The National Association For the Advancement of People That Still Say Colored People, The Insane Racist Posse, and the ACLU. The event was also attended by about 25-30 protesters (or, in feminist math, approximately 3.5 Women’s Studies Classes) who carried signs bearing slogans like “Racist go home,” “I H8 H8RED” and “Racists lack sophisticated pattern recognition skills” and shouted, clapped, and banged thunder sticks whenever a new speaker took the apple crate.

Kurtis Honeyham, president of Keep America Bigotful, had his keynote address disrupted by heckling from the multi-racial, pan-sexual peanut gallery, causing him at one point to quit reading from his prepared remarks to shout back at the rabidly liberal crowd. “Ya’ll quit stereotypin’ me for the way I stereotype!” he hollered through the old-timey cardboard megaphone that all the speakers were sharing, “I am an individual racist that is also a part of a long tradition of racism: my granddaddy didn’t hire no Irish or Italians! My great-great grandpa is one of the first settlers to come to America with smallpox blankets! Light is both a particle and a wave; so too is the racist! I still say ‘Oriental!’” Then the activists started throwing bottles.

The scene could have turned even uglier save for the intervention of the Hastings Police Department standing by in full riot gear, and by the beginning of the latest Game of Thrones episode. The start of the popular HBO series is estimated to have led to 5 of the racists and 2.8 WSC of the protesters departing to go see what the fuck was up with that dragon.

Cindy Piscataway, who totally hates racism, actively wondering if this week’s GOT will show boob.

David Sharp is senior Reporter Reporter and has never seen a single episode of Game of Thrones.

Illuminati Breaks Up To Pursue Solo Work

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 10:47:00 -0500

by Tim Barnes (@timbarnes451)

UNVERIFIED LOCATION — UNVERIFIED LOCATION - Unknown sources have verified that evil supergroup, The Illuminati, has officially broken up for good this time. The announcement came after months of rumors and speculation.

“It’s been great working with these guys,” said former Vice President, Dick Cheney “but things change, and this is all for the best.”

Jay Z, a relative newcomer to the ancient satanist group, issued a statement on his website about how much he loves his daughter, Blue Ivy. Illuminati experts have decoded his remarks, and agree that it means “Evil will spread more efficiently without a unified group. Also, I really love my daughter.”

The Illuminati has had it’s ups and downs in its thousand year history. Most recently, Kanye West’s claim that George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people caused a big stir in Illuminati water cooler discussions.

“I just didn’t get it,” said W. “I wrote his letter of recommendation. I got him into college before he dropped out.”

Still, it seems they’ve disbanded on the best terms possible.

After a recent dinner with the global powers, President Obama spoke to the press, stating “I’d like to say thank you on behalf of the group and ourselves and I hope we’ve passed the audition.”

Crazy conspiracy theorists have made claims that none of this is true. However, everyone knows they are a bunch of stupid idiots.

NBA Player Jason Collins Announces Sexual Free Agency

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 11:58:00 -0500

By John Clark

WASHINGTON, D.C. – NBA veteran Jason Collins shocked the sports world today by declaring for sexual free agency, according to a non-swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated.

“I’ve played for Team Straight for two decades,” said a visibly relieved Collins. “It’s time to explore new sexual opportunities.” Sources expect Collins to sign with Team Gay within the next few days.

“Team Gay doesn’t have a lot of wins, but its facilities are immaculate,” said an anonymous source. “The locker room is basically a giant hot tub. And it’s the only team that carries Appletini Powerade.”

Collins is the first player to take advantage of the NBA’s new collective bargaining agreement, which allows players to be gay “as long as they keep their sinful penises in their fancy pants during games.”

The NBA veteran’s announcement spurred plenty of criticism. ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith wrote a blog post stating, “NOT IN MY NBA, YOU DREADFUL MAN-MONGERER!”

And, outside of Collins’ press conference, CBS announcer Jim Nantz paced back and forth with his fingers in his ears, crying “Ew, ew, ew, ew.”

While Collins is searching for a new sexual team, he has promised to continue to play basketball for Washington, which allows him to dress as the “Sexy Wizard” for team events.

John Clark really hopes Kobe Bryant tweets about this.

Nashville Scientists Conclude 81-Year Human Liver Experiment

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 14:58:00 -0500

By Cole Moser

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - Scientists at the Country Music Academy announced today the conclusion of their longstanding 81-year experiment on the human liver.

Organizers of the experiment abruptly ended the decades-long trial early this morning after determining they had finally accumulated enough data to publish a broad academic report on the human liver and its response to various stimulants and depressants. The experiment subject, one George Glenn Jones of Saratoga, Texas, was drafted into the study upon his birth in 1931. Despite the rigorous schedule of testing and analysis demanded by the experiment, Jones learned to sing and play guitar, later becoming a pioneer of country music during the last half of the 20th century.

According to sources, fans of the experiment have already begun paying tribute by leaving jugs of bourbon, scotch, and homemade corn liquor on the steps of The Grand Ole Opry.

Cole Moser is a freelance country music lover who stopped loving her today.

Buy tickets to our upcoming show, The Whiskey Journal Live!, every Wednesday in May at Fizz Bar.

Baseball Player Misreads Signs, Asks Third Base Coach to Dinner

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 09:47:00 -0500

By John Clark

DES MOINES, IA – Thanks to a humiliating error on the basepaths Tuesday night, Iowa Cubs outfielder Brett Jackson was left scrambling for alternative weekend plans, according to reports.

After eying a series of signs from third base coach Mike Adams, Jackson left his position at second base, sprinted towards the coach, and recommended a “great seafood place in Davenport.”

Adams, miffed by Jackson’s advances, waved his hands in denial, as an opponent tagged the disappointed outfielder, who was later embraced by friends in the dugout.

“He gave the ‘steal’ sign, then pointed to his chest,” said Jackson, holding back tears. “I thought he meant I’d captured his heart. It was an honest mistake.”

“Not sure where he got that idea,” disputed Adams. “But runners are all the same—they think every sign means more than it does.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I really like Brett,” said Adams. “I just think it’s better when we hang out with a large group of people.”

Since the incident, Adams has been reluctant to wave runners home. Instead, he’s insisted that runners stop between second and third base, which has crippled the team’s offense.

John Clark wants to remind Brett that he’s young, successful, and handsome, and there are plenty of other third base coaches who would love to take him to dinner.

Buy tickets to our upcoming show, The Whiskey Journal Live!, every Wednesday in May at Fizz Bar.

Nation To News Media: No One Gives Shit Who Reports It First

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 12:31:00 -0500

by Cole Moser

NEW YORK - After several days of reflection following the tragic week of April 15th that included flooding, an earthquake, a fertilizer plant explosion and a Boston terrorist attack, the nation is now taking its frustration out on leading news organizations, whose piss-poor reporting and willful ignorance of journalistic priorities totally fucked up all kinds of shit.

Furious citizens gathered in Midtown Manhattan to demonstrate in front of the major news organizations’ headquarters, excluding the Reuters Building because Reuters actually took its time and didn’t dump hot mayonnaise down its khakis.

“Hey Blitzer!” shouted auto mechanic Ray Lipscomb, 44, of Marietta, GA. “You see all us people down here in the street? No one down here gives a shit who reports it first!”

Though Fox, MSNBC, pretty much all the bastards are due criticism for reporting rumors and hearsay that probably hindered investigations, CNN’s lead anchor for the Boston coverage has drawn the most scrutiny.

“Wolf Blitzer can shove it up his white-bearded ass, telling me two suspects have been arrested at noon on Wednesday when they clearly hadn’t,” said 78-year-old Denise Roush of Wildwood, MO. “If you’re going to screw up that bad why don’t you just go be the bulimic mall Santa you were born to be.”

“It’s like these dolled-up clowns never heard of checking a source before,” Roush continued. “I could have strangled John King with my catheter line.”

When reached for comment at his Montana ranch, CNN owner Ted Turner said “Sure we got it wrong, but them ad revenues ain’t wrong” and then rode away on a bison-drawn chariot.

Cole Moser is a former journalism major and unemployed journalism critic who knew it was those goddamn Chechens all along.

Buy tickets to our upcoming show, The Whiskey Journal Live!, every Wednesday in May at Fizz Bar.

Good Parent Envies Bad Parent Publicly Hitting Child

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 10:43:00 -0500

By Andy Boyle

PORTLAND, Ore. — Following an incident at the nearby Lloyd Center Mall, area good parents really envy a bad parent who publicly backhanded the shit out of their noisy kid.

“It was incredibly uncalled for and is definitely not the right way to raise a child,” said nearby father Dylan Daniel, after watching the incredibly cathartic smacking. “I mean, hitting your kid is never okay but holy hell I can just imagine the release that parent felt.”

While grimacing and looking at his nearby four-year-old running in a circle screaming, Daniel continued: “But it’s totally not okay even though it probably fixes the situation quicker and more effectively.”

Daniel, a 31-year-old advertising executive, said all the child development books discuss the negatives associated with hitting your child, which include low self-esteem, loss of cognitive functions and getting child services called on you despite it probably feeling oh so good.

But it’s not how he was raised, Daniel said, and it’s not how he plans on raising his son, even though he’s had moments where he can totally understand that bad parent’s position, wanting to physically mash his son’s tiny body into his carseat and pin his little arms back so he’ll stop throwing his binkie on the goddamn ground.

“My wife and I have a pretty strong understanding of using time out and taking away toys to keep our boy David in line,” he said. “Yet I would give anything to switch bodies with that bad parent and just see what it feels like to slap the tar out of something.”

Follow @andymboyle on Twitter because his parents raised him right.

Buy tickets to our upcoming show, The Whiskey Journal Live, every Wednesday in May.

Returning Soldiers Struggle To Find Jobs, Consequence-Free Rape

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 12:18:23 -0500

By Jeff Steinbrunner

WASHINGTON, D.C. – While fighting overseas sounds like a grueling task, a new study says the toughest challenge for returning soldiers lies here in the United States, where a flailing economy and rapidly changing rape culture now offers little in the way of employment and carefree sexual assault.

“With all my accomplishments in the armed forces I was still only able to secure a part-time position at Home Depot, and within minutes of forcing sexual contact on a female coworker I’m being reprimanded,” said Lt. Col. Darryl Reed, a decorated Marine Gunner. “My job is, like, for real on the line.

“It’s shocking,” he said. “If I were still in the military I wouldn’t expect to hear complaints about my behavior for weeks, if it all.”

The study suggested the problems stem from a clash of cultures. For instance soldiers, trained in a regimented lifestyle under the chain of command, find it hard to succeed in a system that is unable to threaten the entire female population into silence.

“This was my first offense and I’m already written up, no verbal warning, no drinks off base where I can laugh about it over beers with my buddy who’s also in charge of investigating the claims,” Reed said.

Reed said last time he was found guilty, he got Lt. Gen. Carl “Jockstrap” Jockins to wipe his record and reinstate him.

“Man, I outrank that dude!” said Reed. “And he he’s still able to get me off basically because I command it.”

“Here I can’t even go to Javier in the lumber department and have him wipe my file, trust me, I asked.”

While most soldiers find acclimating to civilian life a struggle, others have adapted, describing a place where rapists are culpable for their crimes as “good.”

Follow Jeff Steinbrunner at @jsteinbrunner

Chicago Cubs Players Attending Games Mostly For The Ambiance

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 09:30:00 -0500

By Rob Gregory (@GregRobbery)

CHICAGO, IL — The Chicago Cubs may have gotten off to a rocky start this season but that hasn’t stopped the lovable losers from enjoying America’s pastime, even if it’s just for the ambiance.

“I mean truly, how many chances do you get to take in a game, like 162 or so?” said shortstop Starlin Castro, who isn’t letting the Cubs’ 5-12 record ruin his enjoyment of the game. “You have to indulge yourself, even if your team isn’t the Yankees.”

Castro later added he’d like his team to be the Yankees.

In spite of the team’s heartbreaking loss to Milwaukee Sunday, right fielder Nate Schierholtz managed to derive some happiness in the form of a keepsake from the game.

‘I caught a ball! I caught a ball!’ he exclaimed after nabbing a pop-fly that brought the second inning to a close.

Manager Dale Sveum surprised the players with tickets to last Thursday’s game with the Rangers.

“It was kind of out of the blue,” he said. “We had no plans of going to the game, but hey, you only live once, right?”

General manager Theo Epstein acknowledged attendance has been low by both fans and players, due to the lackluster start to the season.

On last Tuesday’s bout with the Rangers, following heavy rains and subsequent delays, some players decided to duck out and listen to the rest of the game on the radio. Epstein noted there was still a handful of diehard players who decided to stick around and see if the game would resume.

At Sunday’s game, Epstein dropped an estimated $660,000 for salaries, hot dogs for the players and cotton candy for pitcher Carlos Marmol.

“At the end of the day it’s just money,” said Epstein. “You can’t buy happiness. Or wins with this bunch of knuckleheads.”

Epstein then made a slitting throat gesture at Sunday’s losing pitcher Scott Feldman .

Rob is an avid baseball fan, like the Cubs.