Roommate’s Unemployment Enters Robe Phase


CHICAGO – Sources confirmed that approximately four weeks after having been laid off from First Staffing temp agency, local resident Mark Abrams’ roommate Thomas Begley has taken to wearing his bathrobe pretty much all the time.

“The first time it really struck me was on a Saturday afternoon,” said Abrams. “I remember thinking to myself that 3 p.m. is a little late in the day for a robe, but I just chalked it up to being the weekend and moved on. But then the next day he was still wearing it. We even had people over to watch football and he just kept on wearing it.”

“That was the day I first noticed the smell,” added Abrams. “We all noticed it.”

Since then, Begley seems to spend more time in the robe than not. “I hardly ever see him in the mornings,” said Abrams, “but I can almost always count on seeing him in it when I get home from work. Robe, t-shirt, socks, and I think underwear.”

Abrams added, “I swear to God if I ever see his balls one of us is moving out.”

Though not necessarily an inevitable stage in any given person’s unemployment, it does tend to signify a “turn for the worse” according to Northwestern University professor of anthropology Heather Ackerman.

“Bouts of lethargy and despondency are natural for many individuals who are in between jobs,” said Ackerman, “But if you’re wearing a robe at, say, seven o’clock on a Tuesday night and you’re not Hugh Hefner, that’s a cry for help.”

“Ask yourself this,” continued Ackerman. “Is the robe-wearer a Jedi Knight? No? Okay well in that case it’s probably time to put on some clothes.”

When reached for comment, Begley said that “these past four weeks have been some of the best of [his] life.”

“I think a lot of us forget sometimes that life isn’t always about what you do but who you are,” Begley opined. “It’s been nice to have so much time to reflect on what makes me, me.”

He added, “Plus I got to re-watch all of The Sopranos. I fucking love that show, man.”

Mathias Muschal is more of a kimono guy.

Image by Dan Sheehan.