BROOKLYN, N.Y. — According to all residents at the three bedroom apartment on Nassau in Brooklyn, the source of income for 29-year-old roommate Vince Walters is still unknown. Despite attempted investigations from roommate Kevin Sala to uncover exactly what his occupations are, the Greenpoint neighborhood apartment is no closer to the truth.
“Whenever rent is due I get nervous he won’t have it because he can’t possibly have it–he literally never works,” Sala, 30, disclosed to the press. “Rent isn’t cheap either. He has to cough up $900 a month which he somehow does.”
Sources indicate that Walters is always home. Walters is often free on the weekends as well, asking the roommates if they would like to “chill with him.” His Instagram is littered with posts of fun daytime activities including museums, festivals, and eating at restaurants with various friends. These posts are not restricted to the weekend, happening on any given day and time throughout the week. When the other two roommates leave for work in the morning, Walters is typically still in bed. When they return in the evening, Walters is already home relaxing on the couch or eating takeout in the kitchen.
“That’s another thing,” said third roommate Katie Leal. “He’s always eating out. He never cooks at home. Where the fuck is he getting all this disposable income?”
The roommates have also delved into his personal history, asking about what his family does for a living and whether or not he has won any major lawsuits in the recent past. Leal and Sala are at a loss for what to do, and are considering hiring a private detective just to figure out exactly where his money comes from.
“It’s very frustrating because I have two jobs and it’s barely enough,” Leal said. “This is New York! It’s expensive! Whenever I talk about things being expensive he just goes ‘hmmm yeah’. Hmmm yeah. What the fuck does that even mean?”
To add to the confusion, Walters takes frequent out of town vacations to exotic destinations and appears not to have come from a wealthy family. He never mentions looking for or doing work of any kind, and instead spends a lot of time talking about getting into kombucha and getting a dog–things that lend no clues toward his financial situation.
“You got work today?” Sala asked Walters at press time. Walters reportedly laughed in response and told Sala to have a good day.
Stephanie Weber wrote this as an elaborate scheme to ask her roommates how they make rent each month.
Image by Joshua Kehn.