NEW YORK — Embattled by a series of scathing studies showing clear correlation between football and CTE, Roger Goodell reportedly spent Wednesday scrambling around his office, forcing the brains of former NFL players into paper shredders.
“Get rid of them all!” the NFL commissioner was heard yelling as he tore through a closet full of brain-sized glass jars. “Every last fucking one!” he said before shoving a can of gasoline and pack of matches into the hands of an intern and telling him to “Take care of the storage shed,” according to sources close to the event.
The study in question is just the most recent in a long line of controversies surrounding the NFL. While Goodell appears to have weathered the others, the full extent of the damage from this newest scandal may not be fully realized until years from now.
When asked about the studies, Goodell responded that he has nothing to hide.
“In fact, the NFL is so transparent we are considering building a taxpayer-funded stadium,” Goodell continued, “where the public can view these brains. For just 60 bucks a ticket, people could sit on a metal bench, drink a nine dollar Bud Light, and gander at some of the all-time great neurons.”
Alec Stein spends most nights in bars talking about how his high school team almost made state.