MARINA DEL REY, Calif. — Members of local CrossFit gym Kettle McBell’s were shocked this morning when they arrived for their workout and discovered the facility’s giant tires had been stolen sometime Tuesday night, sources have reported.
Gym member Rachel Boyle who starts nearly every morning by visiting the gym before work was upset to realize that she was going to have to change her morning routine.
“I like to come in early and blow off some steam so I can start the workday right,” Boyle said. “Pushing those giant tires around was one of my go-to workouts. I guess I’ll just shake those big ropes for bit longer instead.”
The police were called and although there is currently no one in custody and there has been no official statement, the owner of Kettle McBell’s, Jamie McBell, has some thoughts as to who could be responsible.
“It’s got to be those rich kids over at Beast Mode’s Gym,” McBell said. “I mean, who else could possibly be able to get those things out of there? Have you seen those tires? They’re really really big.”
“I can’t say this is a problem we’ve had too many times,” said Marina Police Dept. Deputy Ronald Lash. “I mean, wheels and tires get stolen all the time, but I can’t imagine whoever stole these was planning on putting them on a vehicle.”
Though the police are baffled as to who could’ve committed the theft, McBell is confident the evidence will point to members of their rival CrossFit gym.
“They pick on us just because we’re not all a bunch of snobs who can afford to spend $200 a month to get fit,” said McBell, who has owned and operated the gym for five years. “I’m sorry but some of us normal folks can only afford $150 a month.”
McBell thinks that in addition to sending a message, the members of Beast Mode’s Gym were trying to sabotage Kettle McBell’s chances at the upcoming CrossFit regionals. “Muscle efficiency really comes down to using it or losing it,” McBell explained. “They know that every day that we can’t train with our giant tires is a day that we get worse at rolling giant tires. Kettlebells only can do so much.”
Beast Mode’s owner Bernard Worthington III was reached for comment and responded to the accusation, saying, “We have the best equipment money can buy. We don’t need such tactics to beat those lowlifes. What happened last year at regionals was a fluke and I have a feeling that bunch of nerds is in for real ass kicking this year.”
At press time Beast Mode’s assistant manager screamed “Nerds!” and threw a 75-pound kettlebell at a wall.
Adam Sokol is staring into a mirror and assuring himself that he’s freakin’ huge.
Image by stoermchen.