Rick Moranis Only Good Man Left


HOLLYWOOD — Reports are surfacing from sources within the entertainment industry that actor and comedian Rick Moranis is the only good man left on the face of the earth.

Moranis, 64 and the lone remaining good and trustworthy male of the whole species, starred in multiple comedic films in the 1980s and famously took a hiatus from acting in order to focus on raising his children after his wife died from cancer.

“We must now pin all our hopes on Rick’s tiny shoulders,” said Lauren Kelly, a 24-year-old aspiring actress and model from Des Moines, Iowa. “He’s all we have now.”

Moranis became the sole good man after beloved children’s book author Dennis McAffee was recently accused of verbally and sexually harassing multiple flight attendants on a flight returning from Thailand.

Incredibly, Moranis starred in the Honey I Shrunk The Kids film series, which featured several young actors who have never come forward with sexual abuse allegations against Moranis, nor have any of his female costars, producers or craft services staff.

Moranis has made limited casting decisions in his work, but on occasions where he did, actresses were chosen on their skill and appropriateness for the role and were asked specifically not to massage him.

According to his costars on SCTV, a seminal sketch comedy TV show Moranis wrote and acted on in the early 1980s, Moranis would masturbate in the privacy of his home and would not bother anyone else.

“That’s just the kind of guy Rick is,” SCTV alum Eugene Levy said. “Me? I’m an absolute monster with the jerking off in front of people stuff.”

Moranis has declined to comment as he’s currently back in Toronto writing a series for Amazon about an older Canadian man who explores a sexual relationship with a trans youth hockey player, which he himself will most certainly never be accused of.

Cole Moser just cannot believe he was let down by Andy Dick.

Image by gosocial.

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Cole is a contributor and editor at The Whiskey Journal. Sometimes when drinking the 44-year-old divorcée that lives in his heart comes out and requests The Counting Crows. He lives in Chicago with his hair.