Returning Astronaut Can’t Believe No One Fucked His Wife


MADISON, Wis. — “I’m just happy to be home and I’m looking forward to spending lots of quality time with my beautiful wife, Marcy, and our two wonderful kids,” Commander Tom Martinez, 32, said at a recent press junket, following his team’s successful mission to Jupiter and subsequent return to Earth. At the time, Tom reportedly expected to find something amiss in his home: That after his five-year long absence from the planet, his wife had remained faithful in name only.

“I searched the house high and low for evidence that Marcy was cheating on me,” Tom disclosed. “Most likely with my brother, Alex, I figured. You know, she’d be lonely without me, he’d step into the father figure role for the kids, and before they knew it, they’d be falling into bed together.” Tom couldn’t have been more wrong. Alex, 29, shared, “I haven’t seen Marcy in three years.”

For Tom, other suspects included his best friend, Tyler, the local reverend, Father Marcus — “he’s a cool reverend,” Tom posited — and the guys he played cards on Tuesday night. “I figured she might be even rotating between all of them.” When asked why he was under the impression that Marcy would be unfaithful, Tom simply replied, “Because she’s the hottest mom, in town. Obviously.”

In the days following his return, neighbors shared that Tom spent weeks furious at his friends and family for not betraying his trust, as he expected. Tom squandered his days drinking and descending into a downward spiral.

When pressed, Marcy, 30, confirmed that no, she didn’t have any extramarital affairs. “Cheating? What? Can you pass me that apple pouch?” she asked, referencing her busy single mom schedule and the constant need to feed her children.

At press time, Tom was reportedly seen driving to Milwaukee, where he was planning on confronting his high school gym teacher.

Lana Schwartz is a writer living in New York City and a big fan of sad disaster movies like “Deep Impact.”

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