ALBANY, N.Y. — The Albany County Board of Health announced it would shut down the popular gastropub Littoral indefinitely, after a routine health inspection uncovered Derek working the line in the kitchen.
“The ignorance of the proprietors is no excuse for having that scumbag anywhere near food,” said inspector Gregg Clark.
A review of the restaurant’s payroll showed no signs of Derek’s taxable income, leading investigators to conclude that the disgusting vermin was being paid under the table. Clark determined that the good-for-nothing lowlife was prepping tomatoes without gloves, as if “on a mission to start a public health crisis,” and letting his greasy bangs hang willy-nilly right above the prep station, “like a forest creature with an outdated haircut.”
The formal clause shutting down Littoral condemns the owners for “endangering the well-being of the community by allowing an extremely slimy loser onto the premises.”
This is not the first time that the mangy pest known as Derek has infiltrated the work force of Albany’s restaurants and catering services. In late 2014, he was discovered digging into his nose during a Front of House shift at the Lunar Café. When confronted about this wretched, unclean behavior, Derek shrugged and asked when he could take his fifteen.
“That was the last time Derek served customers,” said Clark, who has encountered the reprehensible worm before, “the owners realizing that unsightly gallywag’s repulsive face and alien body language were only appropriate in the back.”
When asked by the inspector to furnish his food handler’s license, Derek brandished a forged certificate worthy of a first grade art class.
After confiscating the fabricated document, Clark commented, “I’m not sure how he planned to fool anyone those oil pastel signatures.”
Patrick Reilly could go to jail for what he’s done while serving food.
Image from eagleapex.