THE BODIES OF OUR LEADERS — This past week top scientists revealed groundbreaking research indicating that even the world’s most cruel and power-hungry reptilian overlords possess sensitive, humanlike feelings.
“After years of research, we’ve found evidence that despite their body-snatching, tyrannical power grabs, and steering of the ultimate fate of humanity, reptilian overlords just want to be accepted and loved for the power-thirsty monsters they are,” said conspiracy chemist Dr. Linda Oaktree.
Researchers theorized that despite their destructive and condescending view of humans, reptilian overlords are actually just insecure and lonely, ultimately compensating for the estranged and neglectful relationships they had with their demonic guardians.
“It’s a fascinating breakthrough,” said psychologist and tin-foil aficionado Tom Bond. “All this time we assumed they were heartless brutes flexing their powers of supernatural manipulation, but really, they just weren’t held enough as baby reptoids. These deep insecurities and destructive expressions of loneliness are classic symptoms of childhood neglect.”
While researchers are still assessing what to do with this knowledge, they’ve reflected that maybe if we band together and let our overlords know they’re not alone, they’d go a little easier on us. After all, they just need love.
Bronwyn Isaac thinks baby reptoids would grow up healthier if breastfed.
Image by Alien-UFO-Research.