WASHINGTON D.C. — In light of the ongoing Ebola epidemic, which has made a few appearances in the U.S. since its initial outbreak in Western Africa, new research shows that an unexpectedly high percentage of young people test 100% immune to requests for Ebola donations.
“Of the demographics we reached out to for the study, Millennials showed the strongest rates of outright refusal, hesitation followed by refusal, and outright refusal followed by a refusal to apologize for ‘being poor,'” stated Greg Dubois, spokesperson for the National Center for Public Charity Statistics.
“Why would I give my money to cure a disease I’ll never get?” explained one young participant. “Yeah, I might pay money to keep a person with Ebola away from me, but, like, let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.”
Experts credit the cause of this unprecedented resilience to acute levels of apathy which, when activated, exhibit similar responses to other solicitations for charity.
“Not only do donation requests trigger the production of these, we’ll call them, “apathetic antibodies,” but we’ve also found a strong correlation between refusing to donate to anything and not having ALS or cancer,” said Dr. Turston George, head of the Rockville Community College science department. “There’s definitely something physiological at work here. It seems the healthier a person’s always been, the tighter they hold on to their money.”
“And I’m not making generalizations here,” added George. “It’s the science that is.”
“One of the greatest ironies to plague this study is that we’re struggling to rustle up private funding for further research,” said the NCPCS’ Dubois. “If we really want to dig deep into this issue, we need dollars.”
“I asked my grown children jokingly if they’d give something to help me continue my research in this area, and my 78-year-old father who was in the room at the time just laughed,” said Dubois. “So maybe it’s not totally a generational thing. We’ll probably never know. We published one report and then reached an impasse.”
Colleen Patterson once dropped a dollar by accident on the ground and was too lazy to pick it up.
Image by the daily banter.