Rep. Peter Roskam Rushes To Add Oddly Specific Erectile Dysfunction Coverage To Healthcare Bill


WASHINGTON — Moments before The House of Representatives called for a vote to dismantle the Affordable Care Act on Thursday, Peter Roskam (R-IL) hastily added a rider to ensure coverage for erectile dysfunction, but only in extremely specific cases.

This addition, set to move on to the Senate, guarantees insurance companies cannot deny coverage to individuals with pre-existing erectile dysfunction if they are over the age of fifty, have served as representative for Illinois’ 6th district, and can’t get their wife, Elizabeth, off their fucking case.

While this qualifier did raise the eyebrows of fellow Republicans, as it undermines one of the GOP’s core healthcare tenants, Roskam has defended it as necessary.

“Imagine being one of the countless people in this country, getting back to Wheaton, Ill. after a week on the Hill, only to have their wife’s eyes roll at the first sight of their half-limp pecker.” said the Congressman. “It’s about time our party started showing some empathy to me–I mean–folks like that.”

While this piece of the robust American Health Care Act appears to maintain coverage for only a narrow segment of the population, there are some on the left hoping it may signal GOP willingness to guarantee coverage for comparably serious conditions, such as pregnancy or childhood leukemia.

Roskam declined further questions but was last heard on his phone, outside the capitol building, asking if “the four hours are supposed to be consecutive or aggregate.”

Alec Stein is a peacetime Middle-East correspondent.

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