Relationship Status Updated To ‘Crying Under Covers’

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CHICAGO — According to sources, local 29-year-old Bill West updated his relationship status with girlfriend Molly Scott to “Crying Under the Covers.”

“Before she left me, I was only sad to where I would sometimes eat all of the ice cream and stay up until 5 a.m. watching Forensic Files,” West said, holding back tears. “Things are gonna be really dark for a while.”

The new status is West’s third relationship status change this week, upgraded from “Falling Into A Trancelike Daze On The Bus And Missing Your Stop” but downgraded from “Panic Vomiting.”

Scott reportedly left West last Thursday, 6 months ago, the summer before last, and once in college. The couple is not expected to reconcile this time.

“I don’t want to talk about this, this is over,” Scott said in a stupid voice that West is so glad he doesn’t have to hear anymore but also at the same time can’t imagine living without.

“She cancelled our cable package,” West screamed from under a pile of blankets. “If Game of Thrones starting this week didn’t bring her back, she’s not coming back.”

West continued: “She loved that show unconditionally.”

Just before press time, the couple agreed to meet in a public location to loudly fight about who gets the dog.

Experts do not expect West to survive.

Kyle Scanlan needs a hug. 

Image by breatheindigital.