Rahm Emanuel Promises Cubs Championship If Re-Elected


CHICAGO — Chicago mayor and preternatural fundraiser Rahm Emanuel has made his most incredible commitment to voters yet heading toward the April 7th runoff election—a Game 7 Cubs victory at Wrigley Field in the 2015 World Series.

“Imagine the joy! The excitement! The economic boost to very specific neighborhoods in our great city,” said an unblinking Emanuel at a news conference this morning. “It’s important for voters to know that only I can make this happen. Look, I know people.”

The mayor then paused for 45 seconds and added, “Got it?”

Following the 9 a.m. announcement bars across the north side of the city opened early for business to serve drinks and register voters. Bobby Carter, 33, and a newcomer to participatory democracy, registered and imbibed with a crowd at Merkle’s Bar & Grill.

“This is just, like, awesome. I think this can be great for the Cubs, and fans, and probably everyone in the world except pussies,” said Carter. When asked if he had doubts about Emanuel’s ability to fulfill such a promise, the diehard fan was unequivocal. “We’ll try anything, bro.”

The last-ditch, “don’t leave me, baby” promise/threat from Emanuel comes in response to popular declarations from his mayoral challenger Jesus “Chuy” Garcia. If elected, Garcia said he would hire more police, eliminate controversial red light cameras, and print money from his voluminous mustache to cover all of Chicago’s terrifying debts and spending shortfalls.

Garcia’s campaign manager Andrew Sharp pointed out that Emanuel didn’t mention the Chicago White Sox in his announcement, and said the move is yet another example of his disinterest in the city’s poorer areas.

“Rahm doesn’t get it–Chuy sleeps every night in the Sox’s dougout at Cellular One Field, because that’s how much he cares about Chicago’s South Side,” said Sharp. “And that’s how Chuy Garcia will end gun violence, revitalize our schools, and balance the budget.”

For Carter, the Wrigleyville patriot, those issues are a distraction.

“I don’t even know who Ron Emanuel is against,” said Carter. “But whoever he is better at least be promising to bring back the Bears’ D, or he don’t stand a chance.”

Andrew Voris insists on debating politics and religion at holiday celebrations.  

Image by juggernautco.