Protect Yourself From New Facebook Privacy Policy Using This Nonsensical Block Of Text


ATTENTION: On January 1st, 2015, Facebook began making changes to its already-convoluted privacy policy. The new terms and conditions have been called a flagrant overreach according to digital rights legal expert and Lake Land Community College freshman Bailey Hutchins.

To restrict Facebook’s ability to alter, misrepresent, or otherwise use your digital likeness for profit, please post the following to your Facebook page:

As of [TODAY’S DATE], I, [YOUR NAME], do not give Facebook or any entities associated with Facebook permission to use my pictures, information, or posts, both past and future. In response to the new Facebook guidelines and under articles L.111, 112 and 113 of the code of intellectual property, I declare that my rights are hereafter attached to all my personal data, including pictures and videos of me and my stupid, ugly family. Any dumb content I have created in the form of dumb status updates describing my shit-for-brains existence and viewpoints remain solely my dumb content and ownership will not be transmitted to any third party or parties. Furthermore, any links I have shared and or published on my profile since my account was first opened shall not be used in any advertisements or any other commercial ventures by Facebook or any third party or parties.

Commercial use is heretofore and hereafter restricted; my written consent is required at all times.

Any drawings I have posted of my pet bearded dragon Mozart as a muscley, Venice Beach bodybuilder guy wearing sunglasses also fall into this category–commercial use is restricted.

Regarding third-party applications currently holding opt-in, rights-granted status: I hereby protect my full information, search behavior and history and my personal data and/or likeness may not be used by the Freemasons to stage another attack on American soil.

Additionally, I retain sole ownership of the embarrassing results of dumb quizzes I have taken, wherein I received confirmation that I was only a 33% Glee fan.

By this statement I give notice to Facebook that my profile is now private and contains confidential information, and furthermore strictly forbids Facebook to disclose, copy, distribute or take any other action against me based on this profile or how dumb and ugly I am. This statement also serves as confirmation that I am sexually aroused by the musical Cats. The violation of privacy can and will be punished by United States law (UCC 1-308-11 308-103 and the Rome Statute).

Experts are advising that failure to publish the above text at least once may tacitly grant Facebook the use of your photos, as well as information contained in profile status updates. WARNING: Changing the wording could potentially compromise the legality of the statement.

Please do this as it is of utmost importance to your future on the Internet.

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