Speaker Paul Ryan and the House Republicans unveiled a new healthcare bill this week aimed at replacing Obamacare and at first glance it’s pretty awesome, but upon further reviewed many experts pointed out that it was even more great than originally thought.
Here are some highlights of the promising bill that both healthy conservatives and insurance company executives unanimously support:
• No obvious links to Russian corruption
• Allows Republicans to pretend they changed a bunch of stuff before the 2018 midterms
• Keeps coverage for prexisting conditions but ends coverage for all new conditions
• Paul Ryan will finally be able to get that slight clicking in his rotator cuff when he does his inverted plyometric chair dips looked at
• Removes the individual mandate paid to the government but requires exact same amount to be Venmo’d directly to Blue Cross Blue Shield CEO Scott Serota
• Lower overall costs due to massive increase in people dying of things like ringworm
• Fewer hard words to read in it
• Emergency rooms will now double as deportation facilities
• Ensures that the world’s oldest teenager Jason Chaffetz will be on TV a lot more
• Increases prices of vaccines so only parents who really want their children to be autistic will purchase them
• Will not cure your flat feet so you can avoid Vietnam service
• Such a good plan you won’t even realize when you’re dying
Image by wikimedia.