Prominent Hipster Experiments With Sincerity


BOSTON, Mass. — Denver Phillips, a renowned hipster in the city’s Allston-Brighton neighborhood, announced via Instagram that he is trying to be more sincere in 2015.

According to the 26-year-old rickshaw operator, he previously believed the most valuable human connections came from being aloof and sarcastic.

“I just didn’t see any other way,” said Phillips. “It’s, like, what if I shared a real feeling with a person and then there’s another 9/11? I thought it was a waste of time”

However, the fledgling sideburns artist is now sending shockwaves through the hipster community with a newfound sense of sincerity and courtesy.

“I was pedaling a couple to The Friendly Toast for brunch when I badly scraped my ankle tattoo of Betty Ford. That’s when it dawned on me, we have to face fatality and injustice with love and genuine expression,” said Phillips. “I wished them a good day, and I meant it. It was crazy!”

One of his peers, Dante Courtney, may or may not be critical of Phillips’ change in philosophy.

“I think it’s neat. I hope he gets a chance to give Aerosmith a ride so they can get real about all kinds of important subjects,” said the fellow biker.

Despite the apparent sincerity of Courtney’s response, it was difficult to ascertain if he was being pretentious, due to his tone.

“I also like think it’s so unique of him to use a bicycle for his business,” said Courtney before connecting a sidecar trailer to his unicycle.

Contributor Andrew Voris contacted Zoey Deschanel for this story, but she was too busy injecting macchiato into her fetus to comment.

Image by Christopher Michel.

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Andrew Voris is a writer and stand-up comic who cries at Loretta Lynn songs. His background includes interning for the Illuminati, fish hunting, and painting paintings of George Bush painting. He’s also an ordained minister, and will perform wedding ceremonies for a small donation of $13,000.