Progressive Pastor Cheats On Wife With All Genders


ORLANDO, Fla. — In what congregation members are calling a surprisingly tolerant development, Florida pastor Jerry Matz was recently outed as having cheated on his wife with not only women, but men, genderqueer people, bi-gendered people and non-labeling people.

Although his church outwardly pushes oppressive hetero-patriarchal values, Matz, 56, has shown himself to be not only accepting of the diverse gender spectrum, but actively interested in cheating on his wife with all willing members of the community.

“I don’t really care if people are fem or masc or some confusing combination, as long as they’re willing to get down and dirty with me and promise not to tell Elaine this has been going on for years,” Matz said.

Upon hearing the news, church members were truly impressed at how progressive Matz was, admitting they assumed he’d only cheat on Elaine with one or two other cis-women, rather than exploiting a diverse range of adulteress partners.

“I’m not particularly political,” said Matz as he dusted off one of his spare Bibles. “I just got bored, and wanted to try sex stuff with pretty much anyone except my wife of 25 years.”

Still reeling from the controversy, church members wondered if this meant Matz would finally open the church up to the LGBTQ community, but wouldn’t count on it.

Bronwyn Isaac told Elaine to ditch Jerry YEARS ago.

Image by amslerpix.

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Bronwyn Ariel Isaac is a retired bridge troll who currently resides in laundromats all over Chicago (primarily Pilsen/Little Village). She attended The School of the Art Institute of Chicago for writing right before the United States fully transformed into a bad 1950s sitcom. You can occasionally spot her in public telling edgy puns, reading poetry/essays out loud, pretending to do stand up comedy, and pouring out the remaining crumbs of her soul to complete strangers.