Carmelo Changes Game After Psychedelic Experience
NEW YORK, NY - Notorious NBA gunner Carmelo Anthony claims that he has completely changed the way he plays basketball thanks to an experience that he had on “magic” psychedelic mushrooms over the Thanksgiving break.
Anthony, who led the league in field goals per game, usage rate (a measure of how many of a teams plays a player uses), and dick moves (a measurement of how many times a player makes his teammates think “what a dick”) prior to the Thanksgiving break, has displayed a radically different approach in the Knicks two games since. In the admittedly small sample size, Anthony has averaged only 10.5 points per game on a mere 7.0 shots per game, however he is also averaging 13.5 assists, 12.0 rebounds, 4.0 blocks, 5.5 steals, 9.5 hugs and 57.5 high fives, all team highs.
“His game has gone from me-first ball hog that refuses to rebound, play D, or acknowledge the accomplishments of his teammates, to one of the most unselfish, hard working, giving, caring teammates I’ve ever seen,” said Knicks coach Mike Woodson, “and I’m pretty sure it’s all thanks to that trip he took with Rajon [Rondo, Celtics point guard], LeBron [James, Heat forward], and Woody [Harrelson, Mind Expansion journey guide] on Thursday.”
On the Thanksgiving Day camping trip Anthony accompanied Rondo, James and Harrelson in Harrelson’s 1987 full-size Econoline passenger van to a camp site in New York’s Cumberland Bay State Park. Once there, each of the four men are reported to have ingested 1/8 of an ounce each of psilocybin mushrooms, a highly potent hallucinogen known for its ego softening properties and for inducing feelings of connectedness and oneness with everything.
“I took my dose and sat at the campfire, just listening to the sounds of the crackling logs, the world surrounding me, and Woody’s didgeridoo,” recounted Anthony. “After about forty minutes, I was totally into my own head, you know? I just started thinking about my game, the way I’ve played in the past, and how shitty I’ve been as a teammate. I saw Rajon pass LeBron a joint that Ray had just finished rolling without even hitting it first, and LeBron lit it and hit it just enough to get it started, then passed it right back; it was the most unselfish thing I’d ever seen. I started weeping uncontrollably, but it felt wonderful; it was cleansing, purifying - transforming. RR, LBJ, and me wordlessly grabbed a ball and started playing while Woody sang an acapella poem. There were no baskets, but that was fine because none of us wanted to shoot. The three of us just passed the ball back and forth for three straight hours over the scatted prayer that was Woody’s word music. It was the most fulfilled I’ve ever felt as a basketball player and as a person. We finally stopped passing at dawn when we were overwhelmed by the enormity of the beauty of the light of day. As I bathed in the golden rays that overtook us, I knew that I had become a different human, and I could not carry on as I had before.”
Whether the transformation of the legendarily selfish player is permanent or if it’s just the temporary residue of a hollow, drug-induced revelation remains to be seen. For now, however, it is fascinating to watch Carmelo go through ball hog rehab, making amends with those that he’s wronged and redefining basketball in the process. “If this really is because of the drugs,” said Woodson, “then this summer I’m packing the whole team into a school bus and driving them all to Burning Man.”
Anthony at a post-game press conference
advocating that all children should do drugs.
Reporting by David Sharp, Head Chemist