National Give-A-Shit Numbers Hit All-Time Low
The US Department of Feelings, Opinions, and Motivation (FOaM) have released their annual Who Gives a Shit report, and the national GaS rating is at the lowest levels since FOaM started compiling data. The report, which measures things like voter efficacy, community spirit, ease of merging onto freeways, giving spare change to the homeless, the length of time the average boyfriend spend listening to his girlfriend complain, and fast food dining vs sitdown restaurant dining vs actually cooking for yourself, shows that Americans really, really just do not give a shit anymore.
“Entering into an election year, this is a dangerous trend,” wrote Dr. Jason Lovejoy, head of FOaM, “I predict historic amounts of people not voting, or even voting ironically.” Dr. Lovejoy also expected to see large amounts of parking lot slots stolen by people who didn’t get there first, “personal days” taken at work, a massive increase in DVD marathons, and a marked increase in the usage of the word “whatever.”
In positive news regarding the study, Dr. Lovejoy does expect to see whiskey consumption rise dramatically and a boom in the sweatpants industry, however he also warned that if this trend continues, America is dangerously close to entering “I don’t give a fuck” territory, or even hitting the “go fuck yourself” mark.
Doctor Lovejoy then abruptly cut the interview short because he “totally remembered that he had, like, a thing or whatever.”
Reporting By Senior Health and Shit-Giving correspondent David Sharp
On Twitter @DavidAndSharp