The Whiskey Journal

CHICAGO, IL- Local asshole Jon Matthews is already complaining about his iPhone 5 less than one day after purchasing the item.

“It’s basically the same thing as the iPhone 4S.  The Apple Maps app is horrible.  I mean, I don’t regret waiting in line for 7 hours today for it, I want the new iPhone.  I just wish it was completely different,” said Matthews. 

Matthews, who has purchased every new model of the iPhone on the day of its release, then starred blankly at his iPhone 5 screen for the next few minutes.  Minutes later he pretended to take a call as a homeless man approached him asking for money.  

“This isn’t even any faster!  There is no HD screen?  How am I suppose to stream NFL games while I’m at dinner with my wife?” said a frustrated Matthews as he texted a friend who had also bought the new iPhone 5.  

“I suppose it does have a bigger screen,” he continued.  ”My neighbor has a Samsung Galaxy S III.  He loves it.”

Matthews sitting in line yesterday waiting for the iPhone5

Written by Kyle Scanlan

Follow Kyle on Twitter @kylescanlan   http://twitter.com/#!/kylescanlan