MAN COMMITS SUICIDE AFTER FORGETTING ‘FUNNIEST TWEET EVER’
ST. LOUIS, MO—Jake Stevens, a local stand-up favorite and Kirkwood native, committed suicide on Sunday night after forgetting what he called, “the funniest tweet ever.”
According to friends, Jacobson had conceived of the supremely humorous tweet on Thursday night following a show at the South City spot, The Royale. Tim Hulseman, a fellow comedian and friend of Stevens stated: “Yeah, he was just sitting at the bar and then got real excited all of the sudden and started mumbling to himself, ‘epic, #$%^ing epic’ and asked the bartender for a pen. Then he finished his drink, picked up the pen, and, well, that’s when he kind of went ape ^%$#.”
Apparently in the space of time it had taken Stevens to finish his round, he had indeed forgotten what he later text messaged his girlfriend Cara Roberts was “the tweet that would change everything.” Stevens proceeded to contact multiple friends this weekend asking if he might have text messaged them something, anything that might jog his memory. He even spent the whole of Saturday and Sunday at The Royale, even sitting on the same stool, but to no avail. Late Sunday evening Stevens sent Roberts another message saying simply, “Gone forever.” Roberts stated: “to be honest, I was kind of relieved because I was super sick of hearing about it, I mean, he has 178 followers, what’s that worth like two favorites and a retweet? I guess if I’d known he was being extra dramatic about it, I would’ve tried to be more supportive, but you know, shit happens.”
Stevens was found by his landlord the next morning after neighbors complained of the sounds of pornography blaring from his apartment. A Royale drink called “The Finlandia-Me-Not” has been dedicated in Stevens honor.
by Erin R. Zimmerman, Ace Reporter, Former Vodka Enthusiast