SEATTLE — This past weekend Magnolia resident Victoria Montgomery might have been forced to endure harrowing anxiety coupled with aesthetic and practical traumas if it had not been for a few brave policemen fiercely dedicated to interior design.
“When I purchased these shelves at IKEA I had no idea installation would be so difficult,” Montgomery lamented, “I was drawn to them because of the mini compartments that perfectly store Eat, Pray, Love II: The Vaginal Conjuring and all of my recently purchased healing crystals.”
Police officers Edmonds and Stewart were cruising Northgate Mall for suspicious females when they received a call from Montgomery,which lasted fifteen minutes and included potential pros and cons of hammock chairs.
“We immediately knew it was our duty to make godspeed,” Edmonds stated. “This was obviously a white woman in risk of hours of decorative frustration. It is our professional commitment to softly caress the hands of white people everywhere while they worry about mountains of material objects.”
Upon arrival both officers amazingly broke their five minute average at shelf installation, citing it as an act of decorative justice.
“When you’ve been in the force long enough you get efficient at this kind of thing,” Stewart blushingly bragged. “Hell, Edmonds and I changed the light bulbs in a tanning bed in under fifteen minutes last week.”
As repayment for their kindness, Montgomery insisted the officers accept her offer for discounted Crate and Barrel catalog subscriptions.
Bronwyn Isaac stores all her healing crystals in a hanging kaleidoscopic black light that reads Stephanie Meyers fan fiction aloud to her.