Pluto Relegated To Lesser Character Status

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ORLANDO, Fla. — A spokesperson for The EPCOT Center announced Tuesday they have determined that Pluto lacks the sufficient qualities to officially be named a main character. Instead, Pluto has been relegated from the Magic Kingdom to the Fantasyland Kingdom.

The Magic Kingdom, now with only eight members, consists of Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Cinderella, Snow White, Donald Duck, Goofy, Peter Pan and Pinocchio. The Fantasyland Kingdom, a much broader group of characters, consists of characters such as the Seven Dwarves, Bolt, The Mad Hatter and twin chipmunks, Chip and Dale.

“For so long, we just took for granted that [Pluto] was a main character because of his association with Mickey Mouse,” said Daniel Stolen, spokesperson for EPCOT. “But after a closer inspection, which we had always thought unnecessary, we noticed that he was just a shitty dog that didn’t really bring anything to the table at all. At least Goofy talks.”

Ross Kelly did more research for this article than he would like to admit.

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Ross Kelly grew up in St. Louis, MO: the land of a thousand arches. It was here that he never did comedy. He would go on to Southern Illinois, where he started doing stand-up and also started not finishing college. In 2012, he moved to Chicago to pursue more comedy, as well as an opportunity to continue not going to school. He is an original member of The Whiskey Journal team, and can make a pretty amazing hollandaise sauce.

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