Patriots Petition League To Eliminate Tight End Position


FOXBOROUGH, Mass. — Following the news that star tight end Rob Gronkowski would be out for the season with a torn ACL, the NFL’s New England Patriots held a press conference announcing their plans to formally request that the league eliminate the tight end position, according to sources.

“Really, other than Ditka and a couple of other dudes, what has the position ever added to the game?” scoffed Patriots coach Bill Belichick.

When team owner Robert Kraft was pressed to answer if the petition had anything to do with the their recent trouble with two star tight ends, murderer and former Patriot Aaron Hernandez and the notoriously glass-boned Gronkowski, Kraft replied “Nah, not at all!”

“Huh?” Kraft continued. “Well, no, why would you-I mean-nope!”

NFL Commissioner Rodger Goodell could not be reached for comment however his receptionist did respond to reporters.

“Well they are the Patriots,” she said. “We did move the Super Bowl to New York so they wouldn’t have to travel that far, so anything is possible.”

Xavier Lamont is a bitter Chicago Bears fan who loves seeing Patriots fans in pain.

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Xavier spent nearly a decade in marketing, more specifically, public speaking coast to coast for some of the country’s largest companies. At the urging of a comedian friend this Chicago based funnyman made the jump from the corporate world to making the world laugh full time! Ever since then XL has become one of Chicago best known comedians. His edgy style of storytelling has made him a crowd favorite at comedy clubs in Chicago’s amazing comedy scene and around the country. In 2014 the comedian turns actor in the film “Killing Poe”. The Dark Comedy, set for release in April, and will be Xavier’s big screen debut. However, XL can be seen on the small screen as part of Mancow’s Morning show, the WGN Morning News, and in various web series like: Clunker, My Roommate the Puppet, & The XL Comedy Show. The “Comedic Giant” is a writer for The Whiskey Journal & The Morning Would, an avid video game enthusiast, and a connoisseur of fine donuts and doughnut like pastries.