Packers, Steelers Punch Tickets To Alternative Facts Super Bowl

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SAN FRANCISCO — The 2017 Alternative Facts Super Bowl will feature two of the NFL’s most storied franchises as the Green Bay Packers prepare to battle the Pittsburgh Steelers. The Packers dominated the Atlanta Falcons 41-6 in the NFC Championship Game, while the Steelers needed overtime to secure their 27-24 victory over the Houston Texans for the AFC crown.

“Sometimes you just have to tip your cap—the better team won today,” said Falcons coach Dan Quinn after the game. “We couldn’t get anything going against that dominant Packer defense, and on the other side of the ball there was just too much Jordy Nelson and, especially, too much Jay Cutler.”

Like his counterpart in Atlanta, Texans coach Urban Meyer was in no mood to offer excuses.

“This loss will hurt for a long time, when you consider how close we got with the adversity we’ve overcome,” said Meyer, referring to season-ending injuries to defensive end J.J. Watt, wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr., and forward Draymond Green. “Granted, it was pretty unlucky to have a field goal attempt deflect off a passing seagull. And certainly no one expected Lord Belial himself, Prince of Darkness, to manifest in a blinding flash of light before DeAndre Hopkins and drag him screaming into the depths of the underworld in the middle of the third quarter. But ultimately, that’s football, and I’m proud of the way our guys fought to the end.”

The matchup presents a clash of styles, with Pittsburgh’s physical run game anchored by Pepin the Short opposed by Green Bay’s preferred Sicilian defense and devastatingly accurate mounted archers. 

Tickets for the Alternative Facts Super Bowl are available exclusively from White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer at (202) 456-1111.

Eric Stassen prefers to believe the alternative fact that Donald Trump works as a cashier at a CVS in Flushing.

Image by  Mike Morbeck/Paula R. Lively