BURNS, Ore. — The group of armed anti-government militants who took over buildings in the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in rural Oregon three days ago are now demanding government assistance to keep their occupation afloat, according to reports.
“We didn’t really plan out our snack situation,” said Ammon Bundy, de facto leader of the pack of domestic terrorists as well as lead singer of the Phoenix-area Matchbox Twenty cover band Matchbox Twenty Or Someone Like Them. “Goshdarnitshoot, we didn’t plan any of this out real good. We’re pissed as hell about our land but I damn sure wish Billy would have made a stop off at Wal-Mart first.”
The right wing group calling itself Citizens for Constitutional Something Or Other is requesting immediate aid from the government as it is quickly running out of supplies.
“Are the government thugs really going to let us starve out here in this frozen shithole that we all decided to drive out to?” Bundy asked a cadre of gathered reporters. “See, this is why we hate them.”
Bundy continued: “Alsoly, though we hate the United Nations on principle, if any UN choppers are nearby and could drop some rations we sure would ‘preciate it.”
The group has made it clear that they will stay as long as necessary, but has not made it clear what exactly any of that means. In the meantime, one militia member, Larry Smithenry, has released his own list of demands that included “Mountain Dew, Nutter Butters, Chili (from the Wendy’s on Earl Avenue!), Busch Light, toilet paper, a bunch of M&Ms, steak, french fries, mashed potatoes, mac ‘n cheese, pumpkin pie and a fried bologna sandwich from my momma’s house (love you, Momma).”
At press time, the group was debating if they should include the NFL Sunday Ticket from DirectTV and a TV.
Calle Hack refuses to leave her bed in protest until nachos become a morning time meal.
Image by AP/Rick Bowmer.