One-Year-Old Has No Idea He’s Having A Birthday

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LAWRENCE, Kan. — Dressed in an outfit he’ll fail to aesthetically appreciate, surrounded by decorations and gifts which essentially do not exist unless within his eyeshot, local baby Brody Schlim has no idea he’s turning one year old today.

Brody’s parents, Kim, 27, and Zack Schlim, 28, went all out on their son’s first birthday party to ensure it was a time he would never forget, incorrectly assuming he had the ability to understand and remember singular events. The couple filled their house with streamers, balloons, gifts, and guests—including other couples with one-year-olds of their own.

“It was important that we invited our other friends that are parents over,” said Zack, “They are very cool, very hipster, and we can learn from them how to be cool parents too.”

“Also, Brody just loves to play with our friends’ cool babies,” added Kim.

Brody and his friends Quinoa, 1, and Theremin, 10 months, sat near each other, occasionally drooling with excitement. At one point Quinoa stood up with the help of a nearby sofa, before promptly plopping onto her behind. Theremin was asked to comment on his opinion of the party, but only managed to babble a few near-words before soiling his diaper, which our sources presume means he was having an incredible time.

Dozens of family members and friends of the Schlim’s attended, causing Brody to experience noticeable apprehension at the sight of nearly every stranger. Brody was also gifted many presents, including but not limited to: picture books, stuffed animals, toy cars, an early understanding of object permanence, a dinosaur action figure, overalls, a T-shirt with a baseball on it, and the ability to comprehend simple commands.

While Brody will probably appreciate his gifts at some point before his next birthday, sources confirmed he spent the last third of the party grasping at coasters on a coffee table and then deliberately dropping them.

Tyler Snodgrass doesn’t want kids.

Image by Flickr.

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Tyler is a writer and comedian living in Chicago. Before moving to Chicago in 2013, he lived, taught high school, and performed in southwest Missouri (the Ozarks!), which influences much of his writing and storytelling. He's been lucky enough to work with such comedians as Mike Birbiglia and Bo Burnham, plus others. He's a former writer and editor for famous Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff.