Olympians Eager To Compete So They Can Get Back To Fucking

0
0

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL — As Rio’s 2016 Olympic competition nears its final day, many events have yet to come to a close and therefore are preventing their athletes from having insane, breath-taking, in-shape sexual intercourse. 450,000 condoms were provided to the Olympic Village this year, a record-breaking figure amounting to 42 condoms per athlete, and because sex is strictly forbidden by most coaches until medals are awarded, many athletes can’t wait to get their event over with so they can get back to dancing the “Devil’s Tango.”

“I can’t believe I have to wait until after Saturday before I can start fucking,” said javelin thrower Thomas Röhler of Germany, who is competing in the finals on August 20th. “By that time the whole Olympics is practically over.”

Although some Olympic competitors like table tennis and dressage have been banging the entire time, many Olympic coaches prohibit their athletes from engaging in sexual activity until after they’ve competed in order for the competitors to maintain focus and energy. A “sex marathon” engaged in by one half of the Brazilian synchronized diving team is reportedly to blame for the women earning last place. The blaming is being done by the diving partner who abstained, presumably a loser virgin, leaving the duo furious at one another and is one example of why coaches want to keep their athletes super horny for as long as possible.

“What’s the point of all the practice, countless hours of exercise and flying to Rio if I have to wait until almost the last day to do all my sex?” said Jenna Prandini of Team USA, who is competing in the Women’s 4×100 Relay this weekend. “I’ve been training my whole life for this.”

“I don’t see why I can’t just go fuck now,” said Röhler. “I’m only throwing the javelin. It’s a big spear, it’s like a caveman event. Having fucks with the most athletic and attractive people on the planet wouldn’t have any impact on that. I’m basically just throwing giant lawn darts. So who cares? All I want to do is knock boots a bit. Javelin is ruining my life.”

Many of the women’s and men’s basketball, track and field, taekwondo and volleyball competitors expressed similar, bitter, blue-balled sentiments.

Tyler Snodgrass has no idea what it’s like to be athletic or to have sex.

Image from eurosport.de.