Office Alcoholic Taking 21-Year-Old Summer Intern Under His Wing


WASHINGTON, D.C. – Relying on decades of experience, associate attorney John Perkins has embraced mentoring the office’s summer intern, Chase Adams, in the art of drinking on the job.

Adams, who turned 21 last month, has earnestly followed the sterling example set by Perkins at the law office of Sampson & Craig. “He’s a quick learner,” noted Perkins. “It’s impressive how fast he was able to memorize all the drink specials within walking distance of the office.”

Adams, a senior at American University, credits Perkins for facilitating a smooth transition from getting drunk in college to drinking functionally in the real world.

“I’ve only drank this much during spring break and I obviously wasn’t doing any filing work in Cancun,” said Adams.

He points to tips like capping every three-hour lunch with a double-shot of espresso, chain-smoking cigarettes to avoid smelling like alcohol, and beginning and ending every day with a fistful of aspirin as invaluable advice that Perkins has taught him. However, the understudy points to the resilient attitude he has observed day-in and day-out as the biggest takeaway from his summer gig.

“As John always says, ‘Hangovers are no excuse,'” Adams recited. “There’s never a reason to get home after a hard day’s work without at least a buzz already going.”

At press time, the 48-year-old Perkins was waiting for his mentee to accept a Facebook friend invite so they could start planning weekend drinking excursions.

Justin Inman is really hoping somebody brought breakfast burritos in for the morning meeting.

Image by AFGE.