Nuclear Codes Kept Safe From Trump Up Single Flight Of Stairs


WASHINGTON D.C. — President Donald Trump took a handful of hour-long phone calls with world leaders this week, culminating with Trump angrily hanging up on Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull. Given Trump’s short temper, his recent tweet casually mentioning World War III, and rising tensions between the US and Mexico, China and others, his administration has ensured the prevention of an unexpected nuclear launch by placing the codes up a single flight of stairs near the Oval Office.

According to staffers, the codes are written down on a standard 8.5″ x 11″ piece of white printer paper, which is sitting on a table near the second floor grand stairwell. Those close to Trump are very confident that he will avoid anything if it involves climbing a flight of stairs.

“It isn’t that he’s lazy, nor that he’s afraid of stairs,” said Presidential Counselor Kellyanne Conway, “It’s that the President already won the election, and despite the pictures you’ve seen, he’s an incredibly popular president, he’s incredibly well-liked by many states, and he just doesn’t want to go up stairs because sometimes he’s busy and stairs might exhaust him and then he’ll have to nap, and the President doesn’t have time to nap right now because he already won the election.”

However, one unnamed source suggested that Trump could actually be afraid of stairs.

“I’ve seen him actively avoid going up stairs in Trump Tower,” the source confirmed. “So, I don’t know. It’s hard to say. He’s not like ‘wind turbine-afraid,’ but he might be a little afraid.”

Trump appears to be content without the nuclear codes readily available at ground level for the time being, and in the past when he has demanded to see the codes because he’s “curious,” staffers have reportedly been able to distract him with television.

At press time Chief Strategist Steve Bannon assured reporters, saying “The nuke codes are safe where they are. Donald can’t get to them and do anything harmful incidentally.” Then he added, “Believe me, he won’t use the nukes until I tell him.”

Tyler Snodgrass thinks the nuke codes might be 80085.

Image by tipsfortravellers.