WASHINGTON D.C.– Although millions of adoring fans were shocked by the release of Beyonce’s surprise fifth studio album at midnight on iTunes, the National Security Administration assured Americans that they were not.
“We have been monitoring Mrs. Carter’s work for some time, especially since that trip to Cuba last year,” said an NSA spokesperson that refused to be named.
Shortly following an impromptu press conference by Sasha Fierce herself, the NSA not only told the world that they knew about her surprise album for over a month, they even critiqued the content.
“Do I think it’s her best work? No,” said a hidden, disembodied voice. “I mean it was amazing when I first heard it back in September but now I’m over it.”
“However, the Kanye remix of the third track that she will release next month is mind blowing!” said the voice, apparently a Yeezus fan.
“Track number five, what’s it called? I think she settled on ‘Blow’ but I was rooting for the other song they dropped called REDACTED. ‘Blow’ is all right but REDACTED was a lot better.”
Some employees of the NSA seemed to have heard the new music just a bit too much.
“You know how everyone feels about Christmas music by December 24th?” remarked a second unidentified person at the presser. “It’s been December 24th for Beyonce’s ‘new’ album around here for weeks.”
“All my nieces and nephews got this CD for Hanukkah and they still love it, but they think One Direction is cool too, so whatever,” said the still unknown spokesperson.
In related news the NSA also revealed that Beyonce has plans to release a surprise clothing line, surprise electronic gadgets, and a luxury vehicle from Cadillac called the Booty De Ville.
Xavier Lamont is a correspondent for The Whiskey Journal and an honest, red-blooded American with nothing to hide. Honestly, guys. Nothing worth looking at, I swear.