Now Is Not The Time For A Gun Control Debate Because I Would Lose So Fuckin’ Hard


Guest blog by Roscoe Hawkins

In the wake of this latest gun massacre in Texas, please don’t rush to politicize what should be a time of mourning. This is not the time to argue about gun control, mostly because my opinion is fucking terrible and I would immediately lose.

As a staunch defender of the Second Amendment, my belief that semi-automatic weapons should be freely available to all Americans is the dumbest shit of all time and makes people constantly die. I am a huge dumbass with an impossibly stupid belief system that is super okay with public slaughter occurring on a monthly basis. Let’s not bring politics into this and have everyone see that I’m a goddamn moron whose every opinion is dumb as shit as you systematically prove them all wrong.

I’m not saying that there’s nothing to be done after this tragedy. For example, we can give some bland platitudes about mental health that belie the fact that we have no plans to ever increase mental health coverage. But let’s wait to have the gun debate until people aren’t as likely to see my arguments as the craven, hateful, lying garbage they are. We don’t want to sully the victims’ loss with the image of me getting my ass handed to me over and over as my dumb fucking pro-gun arguments are repeatedly dismantled on the national stage.

So let’s unite instead of divide and remember what really matters in situations like this: Not politics, not debate, but the status quo.

Roscoe Hawkins thinks it’s unfair to have a debate when your side has all the good points.

Image by tonyllama.
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Tom is a dumb writer who loves jokes about ghosts to a career-damaging degree. He co-produces and hosts the monthly live satirical news revue The Skewer and biweekly actual-play RPG comedy podcast Shuffle Quest.