No One Wants Cat In Divorce


HOBOKEN, N.J. — Local couple James and Nicole Walden are currently going through a brutal divorce after three years of marriage. While they have fought over ownership of various household items, custody of their cat remains completely unwanted by either parties.

Their three-year-old tabby Business, named such so that James could say he was “taking care of Business,” reportedly rips up lampshades, scratches instead of cuddles, and literally bites their hands when being fed.

“James should take him because that’s essentially his personality,” Nicole said. “I basically haven’t been cuddled in years, by either of them.”

“I only got the stupid thing because Nicole wanted it,” said James in his defense. “If it was up to me, we would have gotten that hedgehog at PetSmart, but she had to have this furry terrorist just like she has to have everything else she wants.”

Aside from his general unlovableness, Business has also racked up high vet bills due to digestive problems after repeatedly eating Flaming Hot Cheetos he finds on the carpet and once lost a fight to a bird. Nicole blames James for both incidences and believes that he should take responsibility for his mistakes by keeping the cat.

“Everytime I look at Business I just see Nicole,” James said, using an emotional defense commonly used for custody of biological children. “It would be far too painful to keep that bastard.”

Business, who will likely live another fifteen years at least, was aggressively gnawing reporters’ shoes at press time.

Stephanie Weber will never give up custody of her fish Pleasure.

Images by jesusdoesvegasflossyflotsam, tambako.