NFL To Also Fine Players Who Are Kneeling To Catch Bearings After Brain Injury


NEW YORK — One day after announcing a new approved policy that will require players to stand during the national anthem, the NFL announced it will also fine players that take a knee to catch their bearings after suffering an on-field traumatic brain injury.

“We wanted to make a statement with this decision,” said Texans owner Robert McNair. “We wanted to let players know that not only do we not give a shit about their First Amendment rights, we also don’t give a shit about their wellbeing as people.”

The NFL did amend the new policy change to allow players to remain in the locker room during the national anthem if they do not wish to stand. Players are also required to take care of any brains injuries they may or may not have during this time.

“The NFL is a high-contact, dangerous sport,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “We prefer that our fans not seeing any of that unless it’s like a highlight on Sportscenter.”

At press time, the NFL announced it would also be exploring ways to allow for players to participate in excessive celebration, as long as they donated to the Republican party this year.

Kyle Scanlan quit his football team after getting his 15-year-old brain scrambled in a bull in the ring drill.

Image by cheatsheet.

Previous articlePeeping Tom To Hold Royal Consummation Watch Party
Kyle Scanlan grew up in rural southern Illinois and has the vocabulary to prove it. Now he lives in the big fancy city of Chicago, because he tells jokes there. When not telling jokes, he’s usually drunkenly yelling at his television during NBA games. He is a contributor, editor and creator of The Whiskey Journal. He’s not excited about the future.